Greetings, my fellow 5C sex enthusiasts! I’m Tippy Maple, your new anonymous sex columnist, and I’m very excited to have the opportunity to talk with all of you about sex! Of course, my goal for this semester is to give advice that is actually relevant to the collective sex life of the Claremont community, so starting now, please submit all questions, suggestions, complaints, fantasies, positions to try, and so on to http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WB6M8LZ. All your submissions will be completely anonymous, and I’ll answer questions you ask me in future sex columns.
In the meantime, allow me to introduce myself and provide you with my “qualifications,” so to speak. I’m no more qualified to give sex advice than any other 5C student. However, over my years of trysts and one-night stands on these campuses, I have had my fill of good, bad, and simply bizarre bedroom experiences. So as a sort of “sex-umé,” if you will, let me briefly tell you about some of the wisdom I’ve gained regarding hookup etiquette. Hopefully it will be useful to all of you as well:
On the walk-of-shame/stride-of-pride: As a wee first-year, I was always somewhat embarrassed about these cross-campus walks until I realized that, most likely, anyone else I saw skulking around at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning was also coming back from someone else’s bedroom. A word for the wise: If you are expecting to hook up when you go out, dress sedately. While costume parties are lots of fun, be warned that on some unfortunate Halloweekend morning, you could find yourself scuttling back from CMC wearing a bright-pink unitard and nothing else.
On the “Re-Return:” Thank you, How I Met Your Mother, for cleverly naming those unfortunate instances when you are having a hot hookup and one of you has the alcohol-induced urge to vomit. Embarrassingly enough, I have been on both sides of this less-than-ideal situation, and you have two options when someone re-re-returns on you: First, you can get dressed and leave before you become a potential projectile target. Second, if you are feeling like being a good person, stay and take care of your new friend, accepting your fate that, for the night, you are no longer booty call: You are now barf nurse.
On waking up the morning after a threesome, when one person has already left and only two of you remain in bed: This is that Kafkaesque moment in which you don’t know how or why you got there, and you are living out the lyrics of Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night.” Although I am usually a proponent of making friendly small talk and exchanging phone numbers the morning after a hookup, here I suggest accepting the humor of the situation, leaving as demurely as possible, and avoiding establishing any future contact with this partner.
On hooking up post-PUB: almost NEVER a good idea.
When the fire alarm goes off mid-hookup: If at all safe, try to finish (how bad would it be to get stuck in a burning building and still be horny?), get dressed, and leave the building. If at that point you don’t want to be seen with the person you’re hooking up with, make up a lame excuse such as, “Oh, I’d better go check to make sure my building isn’t on fire, too!” or go the stoic route and wait outside the dorm building with your hookup buddy until all danger has passed.
This is only the start. As the semester progresses, we will all have more sex stories to share, and hopefully we can all get better in the bedroom, too! But because I want to learn more about the sex lives of other 5C students, I’m proposing a challenge: Where is the craziest place you have hooked up on any 5C campus? Anonymously submit the most exciting place that you have hooked up on campus to the Survey Monkey link provided above, and I will choose some of the sexiest and/or funniest locations and publish them in next week’s issue!