Claremont Climax: October 9

You can’t start a sex column by talking about your own threesome experience. People will think you’re just a conceited jerk trying to publish embellished stories about your sexual escapades—not that this is a terribly inaccurate assessment. We could, on the other hand, start the column talking about whale sex or Lithuanians.Luckily, we’ve already started this column, so we can delve into any topic we might choose—perhaps even whale sex or Lithuanians—without worrying about what people might think about us starting the column that way, because it won’t be the start of the column.It’s a widely acknowledged fact that the vast majority of what we do here at Claremont Climax Challenge is engage in serious—make that super-duper serious—scientific inquiry. This week, we’d like to focus our otherwise largely indiscriminate thrusts of curiosity into a few of the attitudes that students here at the 5Cs have towards threesomes.In order to get a better handle on these attitudes, we selected a completely and utterly random sample of people consisting primarily, indeed almost entirely, of our Facebook friends. We asked these people a variety of questions and we’d like to share the results with you here.The first thing that struck us as odd was the fact that only seven of the 200 people surveyed admitted to having had a “devil’s threesome,” with two guys and one girl. Of these seven people, two considered their threesome an awesome five out of five. Four rated it only a one or two out of five. The moral of the story is that multiple penii—indeed, it is “penii” and not “penises” that is the true plural of penis—is generally a phenomenon to be avoided. (Please note that if you actually looked that up, you probably realized that “penii” is not the official plural of penis, yet. But trust us, it’s coming.) Thirty-seven percent of those who had never experienced a devil’s threesome indicated no interest at all, and another 34 percent said they were “a tiny bit” interested. Out of the 5.5 percent who said they would pursue a devil’s threesome, those who rated their interest level at five out of five were almost all women.When we asked about what we like to call a “Stephan’s threesomes” (two girls, one guy), however, the numbers were drastically different. Twenty percent of those surveyed reported having had a Stephan’s threesome, although that number shrinks to fifteen percent if you exclude goats and sheep. The Stephan’s threesome was quite enjoyable for virtually all those involved. About 40 percent rated it a five, 30 percent rated it a four, 20 percent a three, 10 percent a two, and 0 percent a one. What is perplexing is the great discrepancy between how people who had tried it felt compared to those who hadn’t. Only 25 percent of those who hadn’t had a Stephan’s threesome said they would pursue one. We’d definitely expected that number would be at least 45 percent, considering half those surveyed were male and probably around 5 percent were gay. But apparently there are straight males who are less than interested in experiencing a Stephan’s threesome. Further, almost 50 percent of those who hadn’t had a Stephan’s threesome indicated they were “not at all” or only “a tiny bit” interested in having one. The fact that so many people who haven’t tried a Stephan’s threesome say they’re not fans while so many people who have give it great reviews can mean only one thing: Have more threesomes. They’re better than you think.Dixie Douglass PI ’12—whose name has been changed to protect her identity—is one of the females who had a threesome with two guys. She said, “I don’t think it matters how willing you are or how hot you are, I think it’s about where you are and who you’re with at a specific moment in time.”Douglass experienced the threesome while in another country with two male friends. She wasn’t in a relationship with either but had been hooking up with one of them already. The three were bored and tipsy and went for a drive late at night. In the wee hours of the morning, Douglass started hooking up with one guy. “The other guy was nice and I knew him too, but I wasn’t so much into him. I would not have only hooked up with him,” she said. When the boys made their wishes clear, Douglass obliged—but not before hunting down condoms. Douglass identifies as heterosexual but would have a threesome again, either with another girl and a guy or with two guys.In conclusion, threesomes are almost as good as whale sex.On another note, we’d like to acknowledge that National Coming Out Day is on Oct. 11 this year. Everyone can celebrate by supporting the LGBTQ community.

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