Much like a shark, the most reliable way for me to make a value judgment of a physical object is to put it in my mouth. Unlike a shark, I try not to use teeth. With that said, it should come as no surprise that I enjoy essin’ that dee. As I get older, the excitement of going down on someone has only gone up. Here’s the listicle of the best and worst places I’ve performed oral sodomy.
Claremont McKenna College classroom: Thank Quad for Claremont McKenna’s complete and total disregard for the mental health of its students. Most CMC classrooms have no windows whatsoever, making it pretty easy for me to chow down on a Chode-ash during daylight hours without being caught. I’ve still never taken a CMC class, but after my experience in the Kravis Center, I feel that I’ve learned all that the school can really teach me. Like hyperinflation. Or the value of renewable resource consumption. Overall, I’d say it was an enlightening experience, but I have to move on to bigger and better things. Next stop, getting my Ath pounded in the Cube.
Train: Speaking of stops, one of the best places I’ve ever slobbed nob was the dining car of an east coast Amtrak. Although I’m not a member of the mile-high club, I can say that I’m a member of the 100 mph club. What made the experience so magical? Was it the recent departure of a gaggle of tipsy Rutgers University students who spent the entirety of their ride loudly disparaging their parents? The seven different layers of clothing I was forced to wear because of the Bomb Cyclone? The Hot Hands foot warmers slowly fossilizing in my boots? Or maybe it was the fact that my phone died 10 minutes into the ride. Whatever it was, I have yet to find as powerful an aphrodisiac to this day.
Pomona College Doms Lounge men’s bathroom: I don’t have much to say about this one besides men’s bathrooms are damn gross. And also, sorry to the 5C group Without a Box Improv because I missed a significant portion of your show to play the skin flute.
Childhood bedroom pre-graduation: Before moving out of your house, your childhood bedroom is just your bedroom. The allure of having a sexual experience in your own home during high school is intoxicating, and can almost distract from the fact that you’ve never orgasmed and only have sex with inept virgins. At the time, I’d say that waxing the carrot in the only home I’ve ever known was good eats.
Childhood bedroom post-graduation: After graduating from high school and moving out, your childhood bedroom transforms into a haunted house of demented reminders of your terrible past. It is hardcore, 100-percent organic, concentrated cringe. Any sexual action in your post-graduation bedroom warps into an equally grotesque activity. Picture this: blue cloud wallpaper, upwards of 30 stuffed animals, my senior year prom dress hanging over the closet door, manga and young adult novels lining the walls, and me, a creature that has lived on this earth for two decades, pushing aside my Pillow Pet to eat sausage on my hot pink bedspread.
Church parking lot: As someone who attended a Catholic high school, it felt kind of depraved to eat a zipper dinner in the parking lot of a church. In the backseat of my father’s hatchback. Really a two-birds-one-stone situation concerning my bitter atheism and daddy issues. Although, it’s not the first time I’ve gotten on my knees for Jesus.
Honnold Mudd Library Cafe: While it may seem like the stacks on the fourth floor are the safest place to bone down, hiding behind a whiteboard full of physics on the cafe level provides pretty good coverage, too. Unfortunately, the tables in the library are just an inch too short for a human person to fit underneath without destroying their neck (not that I didn’t want my neck destroyed in this situation), so I wasn’t able to “finish the job,” so to speak. But how much work actually gets finished at 9 p.m. in the Honnold Mudd Cafe?
In my short lifetime, I’ve given a lot of blowjobs. I’d have to say that the best places I’ve drained the swamp have been at the 5Cs. I’m grateful to my interdisciplinary liberal arts education for opening me up to such huge opportunities. It can sometimes be hard to suck seed in school, but with a little hard work and dexterity, you can make your dreams of on-campus mouth coitus a reality.