It’s safe to say that Cosmopolitan is not my go-to for sex advice (the magazine, not the cocktail, although both result in regret when over-consumed). Ever since the infamous “#DonutGate” of 2003, Cosmo and its ridiculous, sometimes dangerous, sex tips have been the butt of many jokes, my personal favorite being that one time it suggested we treat an erect penis like a joystick.
Moreover, the publication’s content is often heteronormative, sexist, and cissexist, rendering their articles not just comedic but downright problematic.
That being said, I was intrigued. What if I tried out some of Cosmo’s advice — namely, their 10 Most Popular Sex Positions of 2017, according to its readers? With a wistfulness for the year gone by and an eager partner, I thought this would be the perfect addition to my column. All in the name of journalistic research, of course. “Taking one for the team” and so on.
On a nondescript Sunday morning, my partner C and I went through the article together. I was somewhat surprised to find that there was at least one position for lesbians, although the rest was still disappointingly heteronormative. And of course, I wasn’t surprised to find one position revolving around ice cream, because after all, it’s not Cosmo if there’s no food involved.
C and I started off with a bit of foreplay, or No. 4, King of the World (okay, Cosmo…). Apparently, this position allows for deeper penetration in the throat, and you can use your free hand to reach yourself and masturbate at the same time. With C sitting on the edge of the bed, I positioned myself in between his legs and proceeded to go down on him.
Easy, except for the fact that C is not only generously endowed down there, he’s also curved downward, so a position like this one means that my gag reflex is constantly being attacked. Being the committed journalist that I am, I managed to push through. However, this position is definitely not one I would default to.
We then both hopped on the bed and tried No. 8, the In-and-Out Double Double (and no, it’s not a certain beloved California burger). At this point, C and I were already wet enough that we didn’t need to use lube like the article advised. He went back and forth from sliding his shaft across my clitoris and doing slow, deep thrusts, getting that 8-to-2 stroke ratio.
We both enjoyed this a lot, as it was the perfect tease and transition between foreplay and intercourse. If you’re impatient, prefer penetration, or are just bad at math, expect there to be more of a 4-6 ratio instead.
Moving on: we tried to get ourselves in position for No. 2, The Grinder, which is basically a glorified Reverse Cowgirl. Hilarity ensued as I tried to figure out which leg went where, and whether it was even sexy to be grinding up on C’s leg like I was some hump-friendly dog. While C said he enjoyed the view, we both agreed we weren’t feeling a lot of pleasure. Another pass for us, Cosmo.
Next we attempted No. 9, the Bend and Press, a long-time favorite of ours because of the G-spot stimulation it provides. I also like having my feet up against his chest as he thrusts, because he’s able to tell how I’m feeling just by how my toes curl or how I press into him. It’s like in “Avatar,” when the protagonists fuse their neural tendrils together. Well, not really, but you get the idea.
C and I ultimately finished up with some of our personal favorites, forgetting about the article and my journalistic pursuit altogether.
While I still find Cosmo ridiculous and cringy at times, it’s always fun to experiment and try new things with yourself, or with a partner. Just be careful when you do because I somehow ended up with a bruised knee (don’t ask).