A Retrospective on My Tinder Escapades

I have been on Tinder for pretty much my entire college career. I started in 2014, so I’ve got just about two years’ worth of Tinder-ing under my belt. I’ve probably met up with around 12 or 13 folks—mostly men—in that time, so I would say that I have a pretty good grasp on the workings of straight Tinder.

My experiences have varied from platonic friendships to a year-long, long-distance relationship that I am still not quite over. I’ve written about some of my experiences briefly here on the column, but in light of my recent return to Tinder after a quarter-year sabbatical, I thought I would share some more past highlights with you all.

Nick: The first boy I ever met off Tinder. I took his virginity, whatever that means, then ended up trapped in a relationship with him for a good couple of months. Every time I tried to break up with him, he would tell me he had a serious medical condition. In retrospect, I think he lied about a lot of things. He had a cat named Shadow and we regularly had sex down the hall from his sleeping grandparents.

Bryan: Mudd senior that I thought I would fuck and never see again. I later found out that we studied the same thing and continued to see him at academic events. He showed me the teddy bear he used to hide his drugs in and fucked me in the style I would later dub “The Jackhammer.”

Robert: The Norwegian rapper mentioned in a previous column. I walked over to Scripps and we went into his friend’s dorm room. Shortly after beginning to make out, he flipped me over and dove headfirst into my butt. I don’t know if there was some sort of cultural difference at play or something, but I had never had my ass eaten by anyone before, let alone a few minutes into meeting them. It was lovely! Then he came after about three pumps. I took a picture of his Supreme underwear and snapped it to my best friend.

Tanner: Lead singer of a local band. His doctor botched his circumcision as a baby, so his dick has a tiny piece of foreskin connecting his shaft and his head. When I had a shitty birthday he invited me over and gave me head.

Kaivan: First time I had car sex. He brought his own magnum condoms and was aggressively a part of the #MillennialsForHillary campaign.

Raphael: The most beautiful boy I have had the pleasure of having sex with! The first time I met him, I was in Manhattan after meeting Kaivan for the first time. I was about to get on the train back home when he texted me asking if I wanted to go to a show in Brooklyn and stay over at his friend’s apartment. This was at the beginning of my first summer back home, so I was feeling super stir-crazy and impulsive. It was a dumb decision to meet a complete stranger for those plans, but I did it because sometimes I want to pretend I’m a fun and carefree young adult who enjoys experimental music performances and apartments in Brooklyn. He fingered me in his friend’s roommate’s bed while his friend was trying to sleep (sorry, Jake!). Later in the summer, I watched him play the drums and we fucked over the hood of my dad’s mid-life crisis convertible.

Paris: I texted them saying I was hot as I was walking to their apartment, and when I got there, they were on their fire escape holding a tub of water. I yelled up “DO IT” and then they dumped it on me. I spent the next few hours slightly damp. Kind of dated them for a really long time but don’t want to talk about it right now.

Marco: Brought his husky to my house so I could pet it. Said he didn’t want to talk after that. While I was on my way to the airport to go back to school, he texted me and asked if actually, would I still be down to peg him? (Definitely was, but alas, he was too late. I will provide updates after winter break.)

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