Dear readers, it’s that time of the week again. That time when I sit and try to come up with a topic that is general enough that it is of interest to a good number of y’all (sorry scat fetish column, I know you’ve been patient) but specific and unique enough that what I am saying can be exciting and new!
I’ve been thinking about my recent trajectory of masturbation to consent to… what next? I’ve decided that what’s next is communication. Though it might be counterintuitive to put communication after consent, I think there is a lot of communicating that needs to happen after consent to, you know, make things really fun. Consent is the type of communicating that needs to happen, but I want to talk about the kind of communicating that could happen.
Now you are thinking about all the things that I could be thinking of. What kind of sexy talk are we talking about here?
Generally, there is the kind of communicating that lets your partner(s) know what feels good. These things can be communicated through sounds (though that requires all y’all to differentiate between making sounds when y’all feel good and not making sounds/making feeling-not-good sounds when y’all aren’t) or good old-fashioned words.
This kind of communication is obviously valuable because your partner(s) is not going to automatically know what to do. The value of using words is that you don’t have to play a game of guessing and can get straight to the good stuff. Of course, this dynamic requires you to know what is enjoyable and for tips on that, please see the columns on sex toys and masturbation.
Various esteemed individuals often refer to the other kind of sexy talk you might be interested in as “talking dirty”. Some of this kind of sexy talk overlaps with the former kind of sexy talk in that it can be a way of explicitly communicating wants. However, what is unique about this kind of sexy talk is how very, very explicit it can be. Dirty talk can be great foreplay and can make things generally more exciting.
But how do you go about doing these things if you are interested? Especially if you’ve never done them before?
To address this, I think we have to peek into our periscopes and take a closer gaze at our navels. Communicating to a partner or partners about sexual wants is closely connected (surprise!) with one’s comfort communicating about sex in general. How comfortable are you with talking about sex in general with close friends or maybe even with your partner(s)?
Of course, you do not need to be super comfortable talking about penises and vaginas and dildos and scat fetishes all the time with other people. Moreover, sometimes, it can be really hard to create these spaces in which you focus on your wants specifically because it can feel selfish.
I would like to encourage you to practice being selfish, at least every once in a while, because you and your wants are important enough to voice. At the same time, recognize other people’s wants and practice responding to their needs.
Finally, if you are not comfortable talking with others about sex (or even if you are), I would encourage you to be comfortable talking to yourself about sex. This advice also hinges on your knowing what you like, blah-blah-blah, other things I have gone over already. Nonetheless, knowing what you like and being able to voice it are two different things. So I am not only encouraging you to find out what you like but also encouraging you to get comfortable saying what you want out loud while you’re alone.
Actually vocalizing certain things is more difficult than you may have imagined, whether it’s a whole request or just a word. A lot of us have been trained to view certain words and phrases as automatically taboo, and saying them when you’re by yourself is the first step to undoing that training. So repeat after me: “Cock, cock, penis, pussy, pussy, vagina, vulva.” Now repeat until you can yell it proudly, and then we can move to lesson two: “More Words I Was Taught Never to Say in Polite Company.”