Hey, readers of TSL’s sex column. This week, I, Humpfree Blowhard, decided to
do a collaboration with TSL’s music columnist, Gage “Chief Queef” Taylor. We’ve decided to put together a
list of “bangers” for y’all to enjoy.
Chief Queef: Ay. Bang to these tracks.
Boots: “Dust” (self-released)
CQ: You know that Beyoncé album?
Yeah, this guy made it. Well, a lot of it. This track is the first thing we’ve
heard from his apparently upcoming self-released debut. It has the same dark
intensity as Bey, with a beat that sounds like Hudson Mohawke plus a dash of
soul and self-control.
Humphree Blowhard: It is always best to
start a column about bumpin’ fuzzies with an orgasm, and you can have one
yourself if you do a sing-along to this one. Breathy voices, sonic mmmhhmms, and rim shots for days. What’s
not to love? Nothing. Knock boots to it.
Arctic Monkeys: “Fireside” (Domino)
HB: Alex Turner’s songwriting always has something wholly
adolescent about it, because almost every song of his is a confessional written
in the first-person. His writing on the Arctic Monkeys’ latest album AM continues in this vein, and Turner’s
sincere lyrics—”There’s all these secrets that I can’t keep / Like in my heart
there’s that hotel suite and you lived there so long / It’s kinda strange now
you’re gone”—make the whole record something to make young love to. Be young.
Shag to it.
Shlohmo & Jeremih: “No More” (self-released)
CQ: Los Angeles sad-sack beat guy Shlohmo teams up again with Jeremih (yeah,
the “Birthday Sex” dude) for the title track off their upcoming EP. Like their
last collaboration, “Bo Peep,” this one goes hard, and it adds some new yawning,
growling bass sounds to Shloh’s usual arsenal of whizzing hi-hats.
Charles Mingus: “Moanin’” (Atlantic)
HB: I’m gonna throw in this one, because for me it’s a total
cleaning-the-carpet classic. It’s called “Moanin’,” for chrissakes. Nothing makes
me want to flop the hay more than hearing Charlie Mingus play bass. 1960. Jazz.
Even if you’re alone, you will gyrate to the crescendos in this song. It gets
the people going.
Cashmere Cat: “Pearls” (LuckyMe)
HB: Maximalist beats with a breathy sample. There are also some
orgasmic “yeahs” on this track that make it a fun repeat-after-me song for when
you’re sweeping the chimney. Check out Cashmere Cat’s Wedding Bells EP—the whole thing’s worth a steamy listen.
The Wood Brothers: “Shoofly Pie” (Southern Ground)
HB: Three dudes at a mic singing about a poorly masked metaphor for
yaya. Good stuff, if you ignore the fact that they are now on Zac Brown’s
CQ: Come on. How can you not love a song so overtly about vaginas?
Autre Ne Veut: “Ego Free Sex Free” (Software)
CQ: Don’t let the name fool you. Off my personal favorite album of
2013 comes this perfect cut of future R&B sex noise, with producers Daniel
Lopatin (aka Oneohtrix Point Never, whom you might remember from last week’s
music column) and Joel Ford providing enough sub-bass to cave in your pelvis. Go
wild to this.
HB: Super fun with some creamy vocals to make you, well, cream.
Also check out the video—a coolly choreographed performance that looks like
an Eyes Wide Shut party waiting to
happen. Wink wink. Nudge Nudge.
Kelela: “The High” (self-released)
CQ: After last year’s brilliant Cut
4 Me mixtape, you probably thought Kelela couldn’t get any sexier. Well,
producer Gifted & Blessed set out to prove you wrong with this minimalist
slice of slow and sultry R&B released at the beginning of the month. Full
of breathy sighs, moans, and bass, it’ll be sure to end your night on a high
Feel free to email me at email@example.com with some stories of how these tracks did or didn’t work for your mattress mambos.