Sex Column: Dingies, Labia, and Safe Words

Well hello y’all! I’m super excited for my column this week because I get to answer some questions from real live actual readers. These questions are especially awesome because they are not things that I would have thought to write about otherwise. But yes, I do still have opinions on them. I always have opinions on sex.

I will preface these questions with the caveat that they have been edited for punctuation. However, I have not edited anything else. So these are your words, reader, but they may not be your commas.

If I’m into this girl but my dingy is too big and I want to have sex with her, can she use dildos to work up to my size?

Outside of an inability to refer to one’s genitalia using mature diction, this is actually a really good question. Though there is obviously a lot of conflicting debate on the penis size issue, I will make the claim that size does, in fact, matter. But not in the ways that the great size debate is usually framed.

I cannot make a definitive blanket statement on whether size factors in how pleasurable the experience can be for your partner. Instead, I am discussing the dangers of, as you mentioned, being “too big.” I will be frank and say right now that there are certain acts that you may never be able to do because of the size disparity. You will likely always have to be more careful in your interactions with this particular partner if this has been, and continues to be, a problem. The chances of injury are increased for both parties.

Nonetheless, the vagina (and I assume you are considering vaginas as you have identified your partner as a woman, though have not explicitly stated that she is female-bodied, so forgive my presumptions if this is incorrect) is very elastic. They are designed so that baby-head-sized objects can pass through them. I would say that unless your penis is greater in girth than the average baby head circumference, penis in vagina sex with this particular partner does not have to be ruled out as a possibility.

As for your question in particular, I would not necessarily recommend dildos as a way to increase the flexibility of the vaginal muscles, though it is not a categorically bad idea. I only caution this because dildos tend to be stiffer than flesh so dildos, once inserted, often feel larger than they look. It is hard to gauge what will be comfortable solely based on the size of a dildo. In addition, I assume that you want to build up in size as you go along, and dildos are expensive. Getting a bunch of different dildos in different sizes for the sole purpose of using them only temporarily may not be the best investment.

Instead, clean fingers with proper lubrication can be great tool in exercising different sizes. I would also suggest that your partner do some personal exploration. Though this particular activity can be great bonding activity for couples, self-play allows her greater control to gauge what hurts and what she is personally comfortable with in terms of size.

Finally, I will note that, though rare, some penetrative vaginal pain may be a sign of more serious medical problems. If this vaginal pain continues to be a problem for your partner when being penetrated regardless of size, a medical check-up should be looked into just to be safe.

How can you tell if a girl has had surgery on her labia?

I don’t know that there is a definitive way to tell if someone has had labia surgery. I will say that, after looking through some before and after shots of labia surgery, these surgeons seem to do a pretty good job. If you are so incredibly curious that you must know about the labia surgery status of your female-bodied partners, I think the only definitive way to know is to ask. Best case scenario, your partner gives an honest answer. Worst case, you damage your relationship irreparably.

Obviously, I am not espousing this particular route. These surgeries are incredibly personal, and if your partner wants you to know about it, they will tell you. If they don’t want you to know, it is probably best to respect their wishes and refrain from asking.

Is a prostate massager for the male and a clitoral stimulator for the female too much for one go?

Is it too much? I think that’s a personal choice. I don’t see any problem with using both a prostate massager and a clitoral stimulator during intercourse. Unless both of your toys require plugs and you are overloading your outlet. Then maybe that is a bad idea. Otherwise, there should be nothing more dangerous about using two sex toys during intercourse than using one, so long as you are observing proper care, and you feel like you have enough hands for the endeavor.

However, if you are really worried, try only one toy at a time before stepping it up to both at the same time. And maybe use a safe word if you are really, really nervous. Safe words never hurt.

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