Sex Column: What is Queer Sex?

Recently I was asked to write about Queer Sex. Upon receiving this question, I couldn’t helped but be puzzled. In my mind I asked,”What do you mean by ‘queer sex’?” In my opinion, queer sex is not much different from “straight” sex and the difference that does exist is petty.

I assume the person who asked meant, “Can you write about sex that isn’t between a cis-gender heterosexual woman and a cis-gender heterosexual man?” I will respond to this question with yet another question: is a ménage à trois between two heterosexual men and a heterosexual woman queer sex? The sex is not between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman, but I do not believe many people would consider that queer sex. Some might ask, “What if the people involved in the sexual act identify as queer of some sort (queer, gay, bisexual, asexual, etc.)?” Once more, I will respond with a question: Other than their identities, what is the difference?

Sex is sex. It doesn’t matter how many people are involved, how they identify or how they do it. Sex is about the connection made between the people involved. How people across the spectrum of gender and sexuality make that connection does not differ as much as we may think. The only requirement of sex is that it is consensual.

Furthermore, for me to write about the sex acts queer people may do in the bedroom (or elsewhere) would be repeating topics I have already written about since we pretty much can all do the same things.

When performing the mattress mambo, queer people really don’t have any special or extra moves that heterosexual people don’t have. Think about it. Anyone can have anal sex. Being queer is not a requirement in unlocking the amazing pleasure that anal sex can bring. What about cunnilingus? If there is a vulva involved, you can do it. What about penetrative sex? Even if you don’t have outdoor plumbing, there are plenty of toys you can use to explore your partner’s inner workings. Furthermore, even if you are straight, you can use toys during sex (which I strongly recommend you do … they are AWESOME).

When it comes to sex itself, we all are as straight or as queer as anyone else. There is no sexual act that we can single out as “queer.” There aren’t any acts that only gay men do or certain positions pansexual people have sex in. We all do what we do not because of our identity, but because we and our partners like to do it. This is comforting: Despite all the things that make us unique as people, it’s kind of cool to know that we are all alike when it comes to being little freaks in the sheets.

Stay Sexy,

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