Save the Tatas

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours! Damn right, its better than yours, I can teach you, but I’d have to charge! 

Despite being a bit heteronormative, Kelis sums up the topic of this week’s column quite nicely. Whether you call them hooters, fun bags, tatas, tiggo bitties, sweater puppies or boobs, breasts are awesome. 

First off, when it comes to diversity, we could learn a thing or two from boobies. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

In addition to being diverse, the chas chas can also be fun in the bedroom. So in honor of breast cancer awareness month, let’s explore all the wonderful things we call breasts and how to ensure they stay happy, healthy and capable of bringing suitors to the yard.

Hooters come in all shapes and sizes. Despite the images of porn and the angels at Victoria’s Secret, no two boobies are made the same. It is quite normal to have one breast that is bigger than the other. In addition, some lopsidedness is normal. And despite common belief, there is no such thing as a common nipple size: some are big, some are small … it is a fact of life. So just because your breasts are uneven or smaller than your head does not mean you’re a freak. In fact, it means quite the opposite: you and your milkshakes are doing just fine.

Although breasts are not sex organs in themselves, they can indeed play a grand role in the way people do the mattress mambo. Breasts are an erogenous zone, meaning that they are an area of the body that can become hyper sensitive to stimulation that leads to sexual pleasure. For this reason, some boobie owners enjoy it when their partner pets the sweater puppies. After all, they are the pinnacles of several nerve endings that can be stimulated in a number of ways.

However, like other parts of the body, you cannot just go in for the kill. Before you tease the tatas, be sure to get your partner going first. Because of the multiple nerve endings, repeated stroking or caressing of the breasts could turn your partner off if done too soon. So be sure to “warm it up.” A good sign to tell if they are ready is if their nipples become erect. This, along with the enthusiastic consent of your partner, is the go-ahead to turn on those headlights. Stroke them. Kiss them. Lick them. Use these titty tricks along with the other tasty tools in your repertoire to get your partner riding on the highway to heaven. 

However, with great fun comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, breast cancer is a disease that affects one in eight proud boobie owners. Although breast cancer can’t be prevented, we all (yes, male-bodied individuals, too) can take the steps necessary to detect any abnormalities. Perform self-exams on a weekly basis and be vigilant about any changes. For tips on how to do this, go to If you find any unusual lumps or even suspect an abnormality, go to your physician. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

For those who are fans of the congo bongos in the bedroom, you can help your partner with this too. While bringing your partner to ecstasy, let them know if you feel anything out of the ordinary. It is extremely common for a lover to be the first to notice abnormalities. However, with a little vigilance and care, you can ensure that the boobies you love, and more importantly the wonderful people attached to them, will be “warming it up” for a long time.

Save the Tatas,

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