Sex Column: How The Grinch Stole My Orgasm

As a normal human being, I have partaken in my fair share of what I like to call “sex gossip.” You know, the I-just-did-something-naughty-with-a-hot-person-and-now-I’m-going-to-tell-my-bestfriend gossip. However, among these tantalizing stories, one element tends to be horrifyingly common. When I ask, “So, was it good? *wink wink*” a common response is, “Ehhh, it was okay… they didn’t return many favors.”

Since when is sex supposed to be “okay”? Last time I checked, sex is supposed to be the experience that makes your toes curl, sends chills down your spine, and makes you grab your bed linens so fiercely that they rip. Worse yet, the reason sex is being deemed “okay” is because of a selfish lover. Oh no. Not on my watch.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying we all need to bang like porn stars. I get it. Kama Sutra is not for everyone. But under no circumstances is it okay to be a selfish lover in the bedroom. We all learned growing up that sharing is caring. The lesson didn’t end just because we don’t wet the bed anymore (at least not in the traditional sense). We all must be generous to our consenting partners. Whether it is a hookup, another sexual experience with your long-time partner, or an encounter with multiple people, being generous in bed brings out the best experience for all parties involved.

Now some of you may be wondering, “How can I ensure that I am not a selfish lover?” Others may be thinking, “How can I ensure I am not a victim of a selfish lover?” There is no mysterious science to it. The answer is easy: communicate with your partner(s). That’s right—what your parents have been telling you all along when they give you that relationship advice you always blow off. Communication is the key to a satisfying, salubrious, and sensational sexual experience. You like oral stimulation? Ask your partner. You like whips and chains? Suggest busting out that box of naughty toys under the bed. You like to satisfy your sweet tooth while in bed? Ask your partner if they would like to bring out some whipped cream or chocolate syrup. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to do something. Furthermore, by asking (and be polite, please) you ensure that your partner is consenting.

After they’re done making you feel hot, bothered, and oh-so-delicious, return the favor. They went south of the border? Grab your passport and saddle up. It’s time for a trip to the land of reciprocity. Better yet, ask your partner what they like done to them. Almost everyone has something (or in some cases, somethings) that makes them scream for more. If you ask them, you’ll know exactly what to do to make them feel like they’ve never felt before.

On top of that, not everything your partner likes is an act in itself. Ask your partner about their preferences regarding body hair. Some people like it while others do not. Also, some people like it when they slip off your pants and they see sexy underwear. (And yes, guys, you can wear sexy undies too. It’s not fair to let the ladies have all the fun!) Ask your partner, and if you notice they like something, stick to it.

In addition, being a selfless lover includes being protected. Get tested. Ask your partner to get tested. Once again, communication is key here. If you’re not comfortable having this conversation with someone, odds are you shouldn’t be having sex with them. If you or your partner feels weird about getting tested alone, go together. Make it an event where you get tested together and then get lunch or dinner. Furthermore, wear protection. STIs are not sexy, and passing them on to your partner(s) is not cool. 

In the end, communication is key to having that bedroom experience you’ve been craving. Be vocal about what you like or dislike,  and let them know if you feel uncomfortable about trying something. Ask your partner what they like done to them. Being generous and “returning the favor” gives you a better chance that your partner(s) will be coming back for more. Furthermore, if and when they have that “sex gossip” with their friends, you’re not going to look like “The Grinch Who Stole My Orgasm.” So have fun, be safe, and please: NO MORE SELFISH SEX.

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