Howdy to the specific subsection of the 5Cs_x000D_
that reads The Student Life! I am your new anonymous sex columnist. I begin_x000D_
with a gentle promise: I am not here to goad you into anything. We are here to_x000D_
start slow and easy. No sex positions, acts, or fun objects to stick into_x000D_
interesting orifices. Yet.
Instead, today we mourn the passing of Tender Buttons from_x000D_
our pages, and I offer myself to you, dear readership, as a lowly replacement._x000D_
You may call me Calamitous Jayne, new friends. Calamitous for short.
I’m sure all the sexy questions are burning upon your lips,_x000D_
but you still cannot bring yourselves to quench the fire in your throat by_x000D_
asking them. You are unsure of my qualifications. What skills and expertise do_x000D_
I bring to you? And why would you ask questions of such a personal nature to a_x000D_
random stranger that won’t even divulge a real name?
I can only assure you of a few things.
First, I have spent a lot of my life talking about sex. Too_x000D_
much, maybe, and from an early age. I thought I knew what sex was by the time I_x000D_
was six. I also thought I really enjoyed it. What I actually enjoyed was naked_x000D_
time. I learned later that six is no longer an age when it is cute for a child_x000D_
to be naked in public all the time, and being naked does not equal sex at all, ever. But I have also talked about actual sex a lot, and probably know more_x000D_
about proper dildo/lube pairings than the population of several rural,_x000D_
red-state counties combined. Maybe all of them combined (and here I refer to both_x000D_
dildo/lube pairings and those red-state counties).
Second, I am more likely to answer your queries than any_x000D_
nationally syndicated advice columnist. Some may say this fact is a consequence_x000D_
of readership size and fame, but I say it is because I care, readers. I love you all that much.
Third, I guarantee that I will answer all those awkward_x000D_
questions you would otherwise turn to Yahoo! Answers for with more tact and_x000D_
diplomacy than the internet has ever attempted to display. No experience or_x000D_
desire is ever bizarre enough that another person has not wondered about it_x000D_
before. And no desire that you have is ever truly bizarre enough to merit_x000D_
What I cannot promise is never to use Yahoo! Answers as a_x000D_
Hopefully, my charming self has convinced you that I am truly the one to answer your questions on the mysteries of lesser known_x000D_
practices like shrimping, sounding, and sybian-use, and on the mysteries of more_x000D_
common acts like masturbation that can be confusing precisely because everyone_x000D_
talks about them.
If I don’t get any submissions or any indication of what_x000D_
you, the reader, wants to hear me ramble on about, I might just end up doing my_x000D_
own thing. That probably wouldn’t be horrible, but I fear that may result in me just ranking various sex toys using different criteria every week. And maybe_x000D_
that’s interesting for y’all too, but maybe not if I do one every week for all_x000D_
the weeks, forever.
So please, indulge me. Send queries and questions my way! No_x000D_
relationship problem is too big and no quip is too small for my mailbox. I can_x000D_
be reached at email@example.com_x000D_
or you can drop off your anonymous submissions in the envelope outside of The_x000D_
Student Life office (1st floor Walker Lounge). I await your missives_x000D_
with bated breath.
Love and kisses,