One Night Stand: “Lamentations of a Freshman”

Sex. What is sex? I don’t know. But I sure would like to.

When I came to college I thought I might finally get my opportunity to learn. I had always been too nervous to talk to girls in high school, but this was it. A new beginning. A new me. After the first party I went to, however, my dreams were crushed.

College parties are probably the most awkward experiences of my life, even more so than those dreams where you’re in class sitting next to a cute girl and your clothes suddenly disappear. All I want or expect is to dance a little, have a good time, and maybe find a girl to “educate” me.

Instead, I stand against a wall for two hours, bordering on a panic attack, too nervous to go “dance” with a girl. I’m used to actual dancing. What happens at TNC is not dancing. I feel extremely uncomfortable watching boys and girls rub against each other in a way I can only imagine sex is like.

One time, I saw this one girl wearing a black dress who looked nice, and after a few anxious moments, I surprised myself and worked up enough courage to approach her. I think she might have been drunk, though.

“Hi, I’m ——, a freshman at Pomona. Do you want to dance?” I inquired.

“WHAT?” she said.

I couldn’t tell if she was incredulous or if she just couldn’t hear me. Probably the former. I lost my nerve I had worked so hard to build up, and made a hasty retreat to the wall. My ears were ringing, I was having trouble breathing in the hot and stuffy room, and I wanted to cry.

At this rate, I feel like I will never get to experience sex. I don’t think I’m particularly ugly, and I have a charming personality, but when I get to these parties I simply freeze up. Why can’t girls be the ones to ask me to dance? Is it true that alcohol makes me cooler?

I hear my friends in my sponsor group talk about their hookups all the time. For them, it seems so easy. Step 1: Go to TNC. Step 2: Dance with a girl. Step 3: Sex. I’ve got Step 1 down solid, but the jump to Step 2 is like trying to beat Yunalesca in “Final Fantasy X”: Impossible. And I don’t want to ask my friends for advice because I’m scared they would laugh at me. Even if I did ask them, there’s not much more they could say.

So girls at the 5Cs, I implore you. When you see that awkward freshman standing on a wall, looking lonely and uncomfortable, surveying the dance floor, come talk to me. Ask me to dance. There’s a good chance I want to approach you but am simply paralyzed with fear. Even if we don’t make it to Step 3, you’ll make my night.

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