One Night Stand: “Pillow Talk: How Much is Too Much?”

It is ironic that the coy, flirtatious talk that amps up the attraction and seals the deal can become unnecessary, even a deal-breaker, after a certain point. After all, as soon as you stumble back to a cutie’s room you just want to shut up and do the deed, right?

Well…it depends. I’m generally not a fan of getting ravaged as soon as I step inside my room. At the same time, I don’t want to waste a lot of words on small talk when they could be spent on sexy talk. It turns out, those few words (or lack thereof) uttered before, after, and during hooking up are critical to the enjoyment of your typical casual sexual encounter. So few guys seem to understand this. Either he’ll be unbuckling his belt as he walks in the door or, worse yet, three hours after coming over he’ll still be recounting the details of his epic beer pong victory while you’re thinking, “Please just shut your mouth and take off my shirt.” That’s not to say that girls don’t mess up the verbal communications, too. We could all use some work on our seduction skills.

Keep in mind, talking etiquette for sex is entirely about personal preferences, so what floats my boat might not do the trick for you. But here are a few suggestions that come from experience.

Pre-action: Just because you brought me back to your room doesn’t mean you don’t have to be charming anymore. Put a little extra effort into seducing me first, and I’ll be all the more willing later. And no, putting on a movie and proceeding to feel me up during the opening credits does not count as “smooth moves.” Talk to me. Make me laugh. Put your hand on my leg while we’re talking, then back off and show you want to pursue the conversation a bit first. Not to mention, if you play it cool and don’t appear to be the over-eager one, your girl or guy will want you that much more. Trust me, the tension will build until you can’t stand it anymore, and when you finally jump each other, the sex will be that much better.

Foreplay: The best hook-ups, in my experience, blend conversation into foreplay so seamlessly that it feels like you’re continuing that conversation, just in a physical way. This is the fun part. Make your partner smile or laugh between kisses, and you’ll be golden.

Now, a girl won’t complain if you say, “You’re so hot” when you first see her naked. But if you go the shameless compliment route, I always prefer something more specific and personal. Pick a feature, like, “You have such nice legs” or “Wow, you have really pretty eyes.” Girls should try to avoid “Your skin is soft like a baby’s” or anything equally effeminate. Most guys want to be complimented on their strong, manly traits, such as how muscular they are. Of course, letting your hands caress his toned shoulders and back is a subtle way to give a compliment without saying a word.

In the heat of the moment: So, I know we all want that ideal scenario where the chemistry is so perfect, we can just look into our partner’s eyes, have them immediately know what we want, and never have to say a word. But let’s be real. When you’re going down on someone for the first time, your thought process is something like, “Does he/she like this? Am I doing great or terribly? Is that an ‘O’ face or an ‘I’m-in-pain’ face?” So help them out a little bit. Give simple directions like harder or softer, slower or faster when they’re not quite getting to you yet. Most importantly, don’t be mean! Just be helpful. When they bring you to a mind-blowing orgasm, you’ll both be thankful for a little communication. Keep in mind that mid-hook-up is not a time to be really chatty. You should be concentrating on the matter at hand, not expressing your deep, emotional musings whilst getting it on.

Post-action: First, let each other soak in the awesomeness of your hook-up. It is not the time to kick into constant chatter as soon as you finish up. Don’t feel the need to pester her with questions about whether she enjoyed herself. (“How was it? How do you feel? What are you thinking about now? How about now?”) Her sigh of complete satisfaction should be enough for you. A bit of pleasant banter can be nice, but keep it light. Don’t, for example, question your partner on his or her family history. Just because you hooked up does not give you the right to be overly nosy or to psychoanalyze them. And please, if I’m rolled over facing the wall with my eyes closed, just let me sleep.

When it comes down to it, the right style and quantity of talking can make or break the flow of a hook-up. Think about getting mentally “in sync” as a warm-up before you try to do the same physically. Conversation sets the mood, heightens the sexual tension, and eases awkward moments. Not to mention, communication is essential when you don’t know someone’s sexual preferences yet. And then, of course, there are times to just stop talking, when all that needs to be said can be said without words. After all, that’s what a great hook-up is really all about.

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