Stagethena Briefs

A cartoon drawing of Cecil the Sagehen and A stag holding a spear. They are both wearing shorts. There are large translucent versions of them in the background, looking longingly at each other.
(By Gerrit Punt)

Many decades ago, a weekly column titled “Sagehen Briefs” discussing the various comedic musings of the resident sports editor was a mainstay of TSL’s Sports section. Now for the final issue of the 2022-2023 school year, Sagehen Briefs has returned, but because we love Claremont-Mudd-Scripps (CMS) so much, it has been transformed into a wonderful new 5C monstrosity titled “Stagethena Briefs.” We hope to bring this tradition back to TSL as a regular feature for the future of the Sports section.

What a wonderful year for 5C sports. 10 SCIAC championships between both programs, and likely more to come in May. Special shoutout to CMS men and women’s swim and dive who did not get the recognition they deserved — according to their parents in our very own comment section.

The only minor hiccup was the goldfish-gate incident by the team-that-shall-not-be-named and that also shall-not-show-up to their program’s award ceremony in fear of being held accountable — something CMS does not pride itself on.

This really was the year of cancellations: Who knew the biggest scandals in sports would be about a goldfish and a school bus? Luckily for the Ski and Snowboard Club, they won’t have to worry about it — or anything — at least until the spring of 2024.

Pomona-Pitzer (P-P) football shocked the world — actually just the around 50 fans who only showed up as an excuse to day-drink — and won its first SCIAC title in program history. Despite spending the remainder of Pitzer College’s endowment to charter a flight to their first ever playoff game, the flood of men in bright blue and orange crop tops next to the Sixth Street trophy on everyone’s Instagram feed couldn’t save the team from falling apart in the fourth quarter. Good thing no one on campus realized their season was still going.

Athenas volleyball followed up their run of SCIAC dominance, claiming their fifth straight conference title. Interestingly, the CMS team looked like a group of Pitzer students in the playoffs, as they had a strong display of environmental sustainability in that their lack of playoff wins meant they didn’t have to take any air travel.

This year was filled with Sixth Street battles for the SCIAC conference title, giving 5C students lots of exciting games and Division III athletes more fans than ever — approximately 5-10. P-P and CMS men’s basketball followed up their intense clash for the regular season title by losing immediately as soon as the lights were on. Reports say the Sagehens’ loss to 8-8 Cal Lutheran had Gregg Popovich yelling at his SCIAC Network stream so loudly you could hear it in Claremont. 

Once a Sagehen, always a Sagehen. With the No. 1 seeded Milwaukee Bucks falling apart against the No. 8 Miami Heat in the NBA Playoffs, it appears there’s still a little Claremont left in Bucks head coach Mike Budhenholzer PO ’93. If P-P is looking for another assistant coach, it seems like Bud might be missing his college days.

Overall, the 2022-2023 athletic year has been one of great successes, with even better coverage by yours truly. It has been an honor stealing all of our content from the sole person who runs 

Until next year,

Ben Lauren and Ansley Washburn.

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