“Borderline Human” Is Key to a Victorious Football Season

Like many of you, I was horrified this past Saturday when Chapman, despite their snapper’s best efforts, managed to snatch a sucky victory from Pomona-Pitzer in the last three seconds of the football game.

“What can be done about it?” you ask, turning your flushed cheeks and hopeful eyes toward the heavens.

Well, I’ll tell you, damn it.

You may or may not have noticed, but we have a player on P-P who is only borderline human. Some claim he’s a fairy prince, but I think that’s a little ridiculous. He’s definitely not mortal, though. Hell no. Sam Boone. That’s Samuel Boone Crockett Littleton PO ‘10. Do you know him? Stands about 8 feet 6 inches, and weighs about 400 pounds. It’s easy to spot him on the field. Not because of his size, but because he refuses to wear pads and a uniform. No joke. He just goes out there in a loincloth, his muscles tanned, oiled, and rippling. He also used to wear a garland of olive leaves, but the league made him stop that.

Anyway, now he plays wide receiver. To be fair, he thrives there. I mean, have you ever seen Sam Boone catch a football? The closest thing I can compare the experience to is watching impassioned lovemaking. I know that sounds impossible, but I’ve seen Boone cradle the football tenderly while sprinting down the sidelines. I’ve seen Boone stroking the ball, whispering lines of Wordsworth to it, and that’s the only way to describe it. Sometimes, watching him out there, I like to think he’ll hold me like that one day.

Yeah, fine, I guess you could make the case that the aesthetic experience of watching Boone play is probably a little bit closer to that of capturing and taming a wild unicorn, but I don’t know. That just sounds so much clunkier.

A quick bit of trivia for you: did you know Sam Boone’s feet hover a quarter of an inch above the earth? This gives him additional speed and agility and lends some credence (albeit not much) to those who claim he is in fact a fairy prince.

Wow, so please tell me you guys saw the Puget Sound game. What? Oh, it was so epic. Well, basically those Puget Sound rascals heard about Boone’s legendary strength, so they got to conspiring. One thing led to another and they decided to put Boone’s eyes out with a red hot poker. Little did they know that Boone relies on his acute sense of smell, not vision, to navigate the football field. Boone is like a bloodhound, except, you know, omniscient.

Well, anyway, long story short, Boone scored 43 unassisted touchdowns to win the game. And he sat for the first three quarters. Plus, his allergies were acting up that day.

So like, I think there’s a very simple solution to the problem. More playing time for Sam “Boone!” Boone. Come on, Coach. Just give it a shot.

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