This past Wednesday, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was stripped of his immunity from prosecution while in office by that crooked, corrupt bunch of nincompoops known as the Italian Constitutional Court. What is our world coming to when this sort of injustice can beset even Silvio Berlusconi, a man beloved by all for his virility (air humping a female parking enforcement officer), humor (praising President Obama’s “suntan”), and dedication to the task at hand (ignoring German Chancellor Angela Merkel on the red carpet of a NATO meeting while he talked on his cell phone)?
Now, Berlusconi’s internationally celebrated focus will be tested by frivolous lawsuits alleging corruption. What the hell, Constitutional Court? Do you want your leader to be arrested? So what if he owns a significant portion of the Italian media and has been accused of connections to the Mafia? He’s the Prime Minister! How could he possibly be corrupt? Berlusconi responded to the insane allegations in typical heroic fashion, declaring, “I will spend some hours away from taking care of the government and refute them all as liars. These things invigorate me, they invigorate Italians. Long live Italy, long live Berlusconi!”
Now that, my friends, is good old-fashioned leadership. We’ve been missing it around campus. When was the last time our head honcho responded to questions about the budget cuts with such vigor? I don’t want calm conversation, I want to hear shouts of, “Long live Pomona, long live Oxtoby!” emanating from the president’s office! I don’t want well-reasoned responses to criticism! I want promises to reveal those muck-raking critics as liars! I want invigoration! I want Berlusconi!
Seriously Oxtoby, you need to step your game up. When was the last time you had a massive rage on the grounds of the president’s house? Berlusconi does it all the time at his villa in Sardinia! In fact, his parties are so awesome and notorious that some squares had to go and narc on him when they saw in the Italian tabloids how much fun all his nude partygoers were having. This isn’t the first time a president has used nudity to great success either. Lyndon Baines Johnson was known to get naked when swimming in the White House pool in order to intimidate his guests. It’s a hell of a tactic, and I know that the Ox has what it takes to make it work.
In addition, I ask you this, Oxtoby: when was the last time you attended the 18th birthday party of a model-actress? Berlusconi has time for everyone’s birthday party, no matter how upset it makes his wife! (She filed for divorce citing inappropriate consorting with minors and alleging that he hadn’t attended his own sons’ 18th birthday parties.) He knows that the key to staying popular is to throw the best parties around. Just imagine the political possibilities. Let’s say that “hypothetically,” Harvey Mudd President Maria Klawe wants to get on the guest list for the infamous Oxtoby take on the Foam Party. You just tell her it’s not going to happen…not unless she starts letting Pomona students bring their reusable take-out containers into Hoch-Shanahan Dining Commons. Next thing you know, I’m taking steak out every Sunday! This is exactly what Berlusconi would do if he were in Oxtoby’s shoes. Berlusconi, the paragon of honesty that he is, pulls no punches when describing how he convinced Finnish President Tarja Harlonen (of Conan O’Brien look-a-like fame) to let a European Food Safety Authority center be placed in Italy rather than Finland. All he had to do, and all Oxtoby needs to do in order to achieve similar success, was “dust off [his] playboy skills.” Inappropriate, you say? All I see is a man making Machiavelli proud. This Italian sensation uses every tool at his disposal and always finishes the job.
A man truly after Caesar’s heart, Berlusconi is making his own name as a conqueror. When he was accused of hiring prostitutes, Berlusconi replied in trademark fashion, “I never understood where the satisfaction is when you’re missing the pleasure of conquest.” Wow. Just WOW! He is such a legend, he’s ended up rewriting one of Rome’s most famous sayings: “Veni, vidi, vici!” In Berlusconi’s world it goes, “vidi, vici, veni!” I’m not sure how Oxtoby is going to make, “Let only the eager, thoughtful and reverent enter here,” his own, but I do know that it’s not going to happen anytime soon, the way things are going around here. Ox, all I’m asking for is a little more excitement, a little more bravado…a little more Berlusconi. Party at your house tonight?