God Dies With Butler

If you didn’t watch basketball Monday night, or you never realized that Senator Palpatine somehow became the Pope, or you put off re-reading post-Hegelian ontology until next year, then there’s a memo you might have missed: God is dead.

The evidence is fairly clear on the matter, especially after Monday night’s NCAA Championship game which hardly any (less than three-hundredths of a percent) of the 4.8 million ESPN.com tournament-prediction brackets anticipated would even happen in the first place. With a good chunk of America watching the game, Duke — a university which has slightly lower critical-reading SAT scores than Pomona, a president who attended not only Phillips Academy but also Yale with George W. Bush, and a coach who is kind of a loudmouthed asshole but has nevertheless been fetishized by the media into an amalgamation of John Marshall, John Wooden, and John F. Kennedy Jr. — beat Butler, an unknown school whose president learned about his strange home country through baseball, holds weekly meetings with the public at Starbucks, and was raised by a single mother who worked as a seamstress in a sweatshop.

Duke, the proprietors of an endowment created by the American cigarette industry, beat Butler, a university whose founder, Ovid Butler, ran an abolitionist newspaper called the Free Soil Banner.

Somehow, God let Duke, home to snobby white people, ugly players, ugly cheerleaders, annoying students who reputedly enjoy both hard drugs and unattractive exotic dancers, triumph against Butler, whose basketball team is led by a blond moustache that’s badass as hell—the type of moustache you or I would not challenge to a bar fight—and a pimply 6’9” guard who is 15 and has already accepted almost 5,000 Facebook friend requests. And this pimply kid of Butler University had a clean shot to win it. And the shot looked real good, too. This is the same Butler team whose home basketball court was the scene not only of the climax of the 1986 movie Hoosiers, but also the site of the actual 1954 state championship game depicted by the movie. If Butler won, it would have been, like, the coolest thing ever. Why did God, in all his infinite wisdom, see fit to let Duke win? God is dead.

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