A specter is haunting the 5Cs — the specter of close community. Phrases like “tight-” or “close-knit community” appear throughout our brochures, and as a transfer student, that’s one of the main reasons Pitzer College got my tuition over other institutions.
The social scene I’ve witnessed at the 5Cs seems to lack overt conflict; everyone says hello to each other, and I have never seen a food fight break out in the dining hall. This veil of peace overshadows the social turbulence that surfaces through smaller, nonverbal actions among the student body. I watch my friend wave at someone in Malott, then quickly roll their eyes as the person walks away.
The story that follows is often the same. My friend used to hang out with the Malott Culprit until they did something upsetting, and since then, the friendship has been reduced to a silent dance of smiles and waves around campus. Instead of a true exchange of apology and forgiveness, both people silently agree to exchange emotionless smiles in which the corners of the mouth go up, but their eyes remain just as lifeless as their relationship. I call this the “Acquaintance Performance.”
Being on good terms with everyone has become a social norm at the 5Cs. While it is possible to simultaneously get along with lots of people and maintain meaningful relationships, feeling pressured to do so out of fear of ostracization cheapens every act of true kindness that we extend. With genuine apologies largely absent from the 5Cs, our “tight-knit” community feels more like a facade of social cohesion that punishes those who don’t participate in this “Acquaintance Performance.”
The truth is, pretending to get along with someone you don’t like often creates issues that are more complicated and egregious than the original offense ever was. This fake friendliness creates a “community” that doesn’t let you be yourself, say how you really feel or hold people accountable for their actions; in other words, it’s a cult. All the Malott Culprit has to do is call you a “grudge holder,” and suddenly all the pressure to forgive is conveniently placed on you, despite the lack of an apology.
The pressure to perform social cohesion obscures the difference between maturity and its counterpart. Being genuinely unbothered by things can be mature when the harm doesn’t cut so deep as to call for repair, and accepting that an apology isn’t coming and moving forward anyway can also be a sign of maturity. But those who simply wave while holding resentment they cannot shake on their own are simply immature.
I am upset, and acting otherwise isn’t just dishonest; it’s larping. Larping is immature! Others’ actions affect us, and acting like they don’t denies you the peace that comes with being real. Grudge holders are more mature than those who star in the “Acquaintance Performance,” because they refuse to larp in the name of community. They know forgiveness takes two, and that’s pretty mature.
We’ve all heard phrases like “take the high road,” “forgive and forget” or “holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It all sounds so nice and easy, but I personally can’t switch off my emotions at will, unlike my last five ex-boyfriends. And I shouldn’t have to. Trust me, I don’t like being angry — conflict causes me crippling anxiety, but I feel worse when I gaslight myself into enjoying the presence of those I dislike.
Mental health therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab dedicates her career to relationship boundaries, healing and finding inner peace, and she calls my “Acquaintance Performance” observation “toxic forgiveness.” She defines this as “an unhealthy way that people pretend to be unharmed” and argues that “forgiving to keep the peace … is not healthy for your mental health or your relationships.” Pretending doesn’t help anyone except those who wish to act without consequences, and I don’t want to make my community their safe place instead of mine anymore.
I couldn’t agree more with Tawwab, and neither can science. In a study on college students and the reasons for forgiveness, researchers found that those who forgave for external reasons, like social pressure or moral superiority, reported more anger and negative emotion than those who forgave for internal reasons, like “for the relationship” or “because the injurer reformed.” If we really want a “tight-knit community,” the only answer is to stop pretending.
I get it. The term “grudge” has a negative connotation; it makes me think of petty silent treatments or straight-up bullying disguised as “protecting your peace.” But by grudge, I mean the act of setting boundaries. I am not advocating for harboring unnecessary resentment, only for not forcing yourself to sweep the actions of others under the rug, because our feelings matter. This way, we can normalize not getting along, and maybe it would inspire those people to properly mend the relationship instead — a positive outcome for all.
I will not lie and say that the smile and wave isn’t appealing. In a generation increasingly riven by anxiety, conflict avoidance seems more appealing than ever. It is scary to apologize and risk not being forgiven, but not trying guarantees there is nothing to forgive. A silent peace filled with unresolved feelings is a fictitious peace, and I want something real. On a campus this small, refusing to wave back can surely make the community feel smaller. But the beauty of a college campus is that we are all so different, making the expectation of cohesion even more fictitious. What truly makes a community feel big is the ability to believe in the interactions you have. I want a community where I can be myself and have opinions, and that means a community I can trust.
People like the Malott Culprit will always exist, and I am not blind to that reality. But by chasing social cohesion made thin by pretending, we are only normalizing the lack of apologies circulating at the 5Cs. So I don’t want to wave back anymore.
Elena Gutierrez PZ ’27 is the first blue-haired non-liberal to attend the 5Cs. She instead prefers a politics in which there is only Dictator, if the Dictator is Her only.
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