Undeniable hipster John Wick, PO ‘11 has been having trouble justifying his need for a fixed-gear bike to friends in recent weeks.
“No, guys, you don’t understand!” Wick was overheard saying recently at a lunchtime conversation with friends, “not having gears or brakes makes the maintenance on my bike super cheap AND super easy. It’s a win-win really.” When confronted with the fact that Wick neither performs maintenance on his bike, nor knows what “maintenance” even means, the hipster demurred: “But still, the fixies are way cheaper than regular bikes,” stuttered Wick, trying to hide the fact his single-gear/fixed-gear convertable bike cost his mom in excess of $400.
Later in the week, during a mentor session, Wick said in regard to his fixie bike, “I think it makes peddling more efficient. Not having a change translates my leg energy directly into bike energy, you know?” A long silence ensued.
Wick’s attempts to justify the need for his fixed-gear bike have been getting increasingly desperate in recent weeks, according to friends. “Last week we were going to the Cut-Copy show and John could barely keep his oversized glasses on his face, he was so flustered,” recounted fellow hipster Donald Sutherland. “He kept repeating how he didn’t even like coasting that much, over and over again. And now one even asked him to bring it up! Man, I should make a note in my Moleskine to talk to him about that,” Sutherland continued.
When asked to respond, Wick hurriedly blurted, “But it’s true! Having to constantly peddle all the time, regardless of whether I’m going uphill or downhill is a total plus! Who needs the carefree joy of coasting, I mean, our campus isn’t even on that hilly or anything. I mean, if Claremont was situated on an alluvial fan, that would be different, but…oh…what? Oh no…”