In response to the recent increase in unspeakable horrors and unconscionable acts of violence on Pomona’s campus, Campus Planning and Maintenance, the Dean of Students Office, the Dean of the College and Campus Safety, and the Dean of Landscaping have formed a subcommittee. The subcommittee will meet to discuss the forming of a subcommittee that could discuss ideas for improving campus safety with regards to the recent atrocities. That subcommittee would then form a third subcommittee to study the potential consequences of the ideas, after which a subcommittee would be formed to analyze the studies. A core subcommittee would then be formed to approve or reject the original ideas. A subcommittee ideally made up of students, staff, administrators, and professors would then form a subcommittee to implement the ideas.
“Due to the recent rash of violent crimes, including, but not limited to, arson, murder, kidnapping, racist graffiti, egging of academic buildings, and swirley-giving, we have no choice but to form an exploratory subcommittee. The safety and well-being of Pomona students is our utmost priority, and we feel that this committee will recommend a satisfactory solution for our problems.”
Forming a subcommittee may prove difficult, however. “The subcommittee must meet certain qualifications,” said Dean of Bias-Related Incidents Darren Mooko. “All members of the subcommittee must come from diverse racial and financial backgrounds, must be members of different class years, must live in a mix of doubles and singles, and must weigh different amounts. It is also imperitive that none of them are currently wanted by INTERPOL or have committed any acts that have been condemned by the UN Security council. It’s important that we get a variety of perspectives on campus theft,” he said.
“Oh and they should also all be liberal reactionaries, members of Friends of the Bernard Field Station, and have great taste in social action theater,” he added.
Students have already suggested several ideas, including moats, those mats that make haunted noises when you step on them, getting rid of the Room of Requirement, leaving one room unlocked each evening as bait, and hiring the gym attendants to guard the academic buildings at night. Junior Class representative Kelly Schwartz PO ‘10 recommended keeping all valuable items, like bicycles and laptops, in cable-locked sheds. Steve Hochman PO ’09 inexplicably left the room in tears.
Campus Safety urged implementing the Bat Signal and German Shepards. The Dean of Landscaping suggested scarecrows, or possibly the Knights who say Nee. One student accused MUFTI of the thefts, noting that they are the only group on campus that wanders around academic buildings at night, and are so full of themselves that they probably think they are entitled to steal things in the name of clever puns anyways. This student was then accused of being a member of MUFTI, and will be burned at the stake at a forum in Frank Blue Room on Tuesday, Apr. 7.
Dean Townes recommended taking valuables, like laptops, home at night. He was ignored.
Suggestions are welcome and should be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.