I entered college as a virgin, having never had a boyfriend and having only kissed one boy. And now, with only a month until the school year is over, I leave with 12 hookups (in this case meaning making out and hand play), two of which included sex. I guess I should also mention that I was drunk for every single one. As a woman, I wish I could be as proud of this statistic as I imagine the majority of males would, but I can’t help but feel even more lonely and ashamed. As my hookup number goes up, my self-esteem goes down. I always thought I’d lose my virginity a couple of months into a relationship to someone I truly cared about and who I knew cared about me. Instead, I drunkenly lost my virginity to a complete stranger ina smelly dorm room. Oops. The only good thing that can be said about being drunk for the experience is that it somewhat lessened the pain—at least until the alcohol wore off.What happened to me? I came to college to be educated, right? Is this what my parents are paying thousands of dollars a year for me to do? I never even drank before college, but now here I am with everyone else, drinking my brain cells away and using alcohol as an excuse for every mistake I make. Honestly, I’m tired of it all, but I don’t know how to break the cycle. As a Scripps student, if I stop going to parties I can pretty much say goodbye to male contact. All I want is someone to be emotionally and physically affectionate with. Is wanting a nice guy to spend time with and date (and I don’t mean only at night) asking for too much? Okay, how about a consecutive hookup then? Even that would be more comforting than a new person every week. But how does one begin a consecutive hookup when the guy doesn’t text the next day? Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I still feel that’s the guy’s job. If he is interested, he should contact me. I don’t want to look desperate by being the first one to say hey. It’s hard not to take his non-communication as anything other than a sign that he doesn’t want to talk to me, and there’s nothing I can do about that.
Yet writing about this still hasn’t brought me any closer to solving my relationship—or lack thereof—problems. I guess we’ll just have to hope sophomore year brings something new my way.