From Flat to Fabulous: The Bumpit

Forget the threesome and the affair, the real scandal in this season’s “Gossip Girl” was Jenny’s flat-as-her-affect hair at cotillion. That episode redeemed itself, however, when the season’s greatest fashion moment came in the form of a background singer’s blond hair lofted four inches high at the crown of her head.The Bumpit, long-time darling of late night infomercials and the “Tyra Banks Show,” has finally gone mainstream.If you haven’t seen a Bumpit commercial, you should. You really, really should. Thanks to the democratizing power of YouTube, admirers of the Bumpit school of film have created numerous homages, including “Bump **it” by Shaquanda and “Lumpits,” a commercial for the world’s first and only crotch enhancer. (“Hey guys! Are you embarrassed by that flat and deflated look?”)But nothing can compare to the cinematic beauty of the original Bumpit pitch. The lovely Bumpit models have perfected an expression that you might mistake for deep and crippling emotional pain at enduring some unknown humiliation, but it is actually indicative of their delight at how fabulous they now feel. I promise.The recent rise (sorry) of the Bumpit surely will not spare the fashion capital of Claremont, CA. Rosalie Simkins PO ’10 pointed out that, “No infomercial product has been quite so popular since the era of the Snuggie.”This reporter took it upon herself to test the year’s hottest hair product for your benefit.Promising voluminous locks to the masses suffering from “flat, boring hairstyles,” the Bumpit is a crescent-shaped piece of plastic with fine teeth for gripping the hair above and below it. I placed my medium blond Bumpit—they come in four shades, accounting for all possibilities—about two inches behind my bangs and lifted the intervening section of hair over it. With the help of a little hairspray and a few bobby pins, I had soon secured my very first bumped-up half-ponytail.It was a rousing success. That is, I looked as much like the Coneheads’ misfit cousin as the girls in the Bumpit commercial, and I felt ready to attend someone’s junior prom. (Probably not mine. But someone’s, somewhere.)The Bumpits commercial recommends a bumped-up style for any occasion, such as “a formal dinner with friends,” or tennis. My tennis game has never been great, so my Bumpit and I made our debut at Frary dining hall. Needless to say, we were a hit.“I do [think that your previously flat, boring hairstyle has been bumped up into a great new look that you can quickly adapt to whatever sexy, elegant, casual, sassy, flirty or fabulous situation in which you find yourself],” said Ben Coppersmith PO ’10.But don’t just take Ben’s word for it. The helpful website,, offers testimonials from satisfied customers such as Mary Dituri, Professional Stylist/Platform Artist, Denise Yate, Mrs. Kentucky, and Carolyn K., president of Heald College Fresno.“As Mrs. Kentucky America, I take great pride in the way my hair is styled. Bumpits Inserts give my hair the natural lift it needs without having to use heavy creams or gels,” Yate said.So buy without fear, dear readers! You can purchase your own set of lovely lady lumps can also be found at Target, Walgreens, and anywhere else that values fabulousness.

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