Saudi Rhymes With Audi: A Letter from America

“There are certain universal principles that [Americans] adhere to… the first principle is that… government responds to peaceful protestors peacefully. The second principle [Americans] believe in… is the right to express your opinions.”

~ President Barack Obama, addressing the situation in Egypt on Feb. 15, 2011

Saudi Arabia,

Baby, listen, I don’t know what you’ve been hearing on the state-controlled news, but I promise you’ve got nothing to worry about. All this ‘democratic uprising’ craziness… it’ll pass, babe, and things will settle down again.

This whole mess with Libya says nothing about our relationship. Libya’s just crazy – not the good, “freak nasty” kind of crazy either. We’re talking the bomb-German-nightclubs-frequented-by-U.S.-soldiers-and-then-blow-up-planes-carrying-civilians sort of insanity. To be fair, I bombed my share of military and civilian targets in Tripoli and Benghazi back in my Reagan years. Sure, Libya and I may have warmed up to each other again lately, reestablishing full diplomatic ties in 2006. I’ll even admit that the lifting of U.S. passport restrictions on access into Libya in 2004 resulted in a little tourist action through multiple ports of entry. There was always that nagging feeling, though, that some tantrum or terrorist attack was just around the corner. The point is that things were messed up between Libya and me. It won’t be like that with us.

I know, I know. You’re thinking about Egypt. I’m sure you suspected something, but I didn’t want to tell you or hurt you like this. Egypt and I were, well, pretty close. It started with just a little bit of money—a couple billion in military funding here, a couple billion there, and before either of us knew what was happening the Egyptians were torturing some of my suspected terrorists to circumvent national and international law. But it was never anything special, just a little something on the side to try and keep Israel in one piece. From now on, I swear you’ll be the only country that keeps my illegally-captured and smuggled prisoners. Besides Uzbekistan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Poland, Jordan, Thailand, Syria, Iraq, Morocco, and Romania, of course.

You might think I’m being cavalier about the recent revolts, but this isn’t easy for me, either. You know those stories you hear on the news? Like the wife who swears she didn’t know her husband was a serial killer until the cops dug up the bodies buried underneath the petunias? I had to be that wife, feigning ignorance of the Mubarak regime’s actions while conveniently forgetting that in 2003, the State Department found “‘convincing evidence’ that the Egyptian police use torture to extract confessions, and detain suspects without charge or trial.” I mean, Mubarak and I had been seeing each other for decades. After I renounced Mubs at the first indication of weakness, I expect that you were a little on edge. I bet it looks like I’m trying to curry favor with questionable rulers across the world, giving a token sigh of reluctant acceptance at the economic, social, and political disenfranchisement of the masses, and then disavowing any allegiance to the aforementioned leaders at the first major signs of popular unrest. But I swear, that’s not it. Arabi baby, what you and I have is real. Our relationship runs so much deeper—at least 4,938 feet deeper, the average depth of an oil well. You sent me over a million barrels a day of sweet, sweet crude in 2010, boo. How many couples can say that?

But this relationship isn’t a one-way street. I’m not just a taker. You remember my anniversary gift, right? $60 billion in new military hardware, and none of those cheap knockoff brands either. I got you F-15s, Apaches and Blackhawks—only the best for my favorite autocracy. Those were Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and Northrop Grumman designs, and honey, those don’t come cheap, even for one of their best customers like me. It was the biggest arms deal in U.S. history, baby, and I’d do it again in an instant. So relax, I’m not going anywhere.

That being said, I know your Shia population has planned some demonstrations, despite the $37 billion handout you distributed to keep them quiet. Don’t give it a second thought. Just muster up some troops and suppress any revolt with force like you always do. I might have to voice some disappointment over your use of force, but you know that’s just talk. Don’t worry about the Islamophobes in my government, either. They might hate Sharia law, but they know better than to raise their constituents’ price at the pump. I’m sorry I get a little preachy sometimes (don’t we all?), but I’ve stayed by your side through all the religious persecution, limb amputation and stoning of adulterers. You’re so cute when you’re despotic. Just keep driving those Rolls Royces, pumping that black gold, and not allowing women to drive, sweetie. I’ll be here.

Love,

America

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