My Heart of Palm is Broken: An Open Letter to Frary

Dear Frary,

Let me just say that this is probably the hardest letter I’ve ever written. Where do I begin? These past few weeks it’s become clear to me that we’ve grown apart. We just want different things these days. Meatless Monday? That came out of nowhere like a sucker punch to the gut. The Frary I used to know once upon a time had a little thing called Grill Day. Every week, I got to make my trademark Leonidas sandwich: a slab of grilled chicken plus a hamburger patty, all wrapped in greasy strips of bacon. That’s three different types of dead animal, Frary. It was enough to make my vegetarian friends gag. And now? Now all you want to do is try to shove couscous down my throat and trick me into eating something called tempeh. But I’m not going to bite. I thought you were different, Frary.

Listen, I’m really happy that you’re trying to strike out on your own. Like, who needs Sodexo anyway? You’re probably way better off without those guys. But … how do I put this? You used to be the cool, irresponsible uncle. Now you’ve quit drinking and you’re no fun. Before it was bomb stir-fry, eight nights a week, spicy enough to make you bleed. Now you never refill the coffee or the forks. The desserts are always pudding-based and/or soggy, and you never, ever have chocolate chip cookies anymore. Why, Frary, why?

Man, you used to come up with little surprises that would make my day. Just when I thought things between you and me couldn’t get any better last semester, you pulled bread bowl soup night out of thin air. Soup! In a bread bowl! And wow, remember that fateful night in the middle of midterms? I was running on more cups of coffee than hours of sleep when I came over to grab a quick dinner. And what did I find? You surprised me with a delicious Thanksgiving feast complete with pumpkin pie and seasonal decorations. It was like finding John Cusack outside my bedroom window, blasting music out of a stereo held high above his head. Do you really think fistfuls of sushi can make me forget about how good you used to be? Think again, Frary.

Look, Frary. Don’t be mad, but I’ve been seeing someone else. I’ve been going to Collins a lot recently. Collins just understands my needs way better these days. Collins makes me awesome wraps and sandwiches. And Collins has tons of creative, delicious vegetarian options (that are tempeh free, by the way). Don’t worry, Frary. Although I don’t really understand it, I hear a lot of people like the new you. I hope you’re happy with them. Take care, old boy.

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