Good evening, America! I’m Ryan Seacrest and I’ll be your host for Presidential Election Night 2012! [Audience applause.] Tonight’s election is sponsored by Taco Bell! [Bell rings.] For a limited time, you can buy three Steak Chalupas and get a fourth one FREE! Think outside the bun! [Bell rings again.]
Before we get started, I want to remind our viewers how the new and improved election process works. Each presidential candidate will come out, identify his or her party affiliation, make a brief speech to our studio mob, and then hold a short Q&A session. Throughout the show, mob members who shout the loudest or incite the most partisan chaos will have their questions answered. [Thunderous rumble.] We will also take questions and comments from corporations and businesses and field Special Interest questions that have been paid for in advance. After the Q&A session, a phone number will flash at the bottom of your screen. Write that number down—you’ll use it later to cast your vote.
Once the candidates have finished answering questions, we will go to the members of the Fair and Balanced judges panel [theme music], who will take turns launching ad hominem attacks against both the candidates and their fellow judges. Our judges will subject the candidates to a grueling process of background checks, unprofessional journalistic questions, and blatant slander—all open to mob suggestions, of course. The Fair and Balanced judges will do their hardest to follow the most incendiary course.
With us tonight are our regular judges, Bill O’Reilly, Keith Olbermann, and Glenn Beck. Joining our regulars for tonight only—an election night special—guest judge…Jennifer Lopez!
We ask the audience at home to please ignore the fact that the judges’ livelihood depends upon generating popular interest in themselves, not electing the best president. The judges’ jobs only last as long as you need them to “explain politics” and “contribute to the debate.” They—and their bank accounts—thrive on continuous frivolous bickering. But forget all that. Our judges report All the News That’s Fit to Speak. They’re the Number One Name in News because they keep it Fair and Balanced.
Alright, folks, we’ll be back after a quick commercial break from your friends at McDonald’s. Your old friend the McRib is back.
Annnddd…welcome back, America! During the break, the studio mob shouted and brawled over what the issues for tonight’s debate should be and, three ambulances and 47 bottles of Jack Daniels later, the results ARE IN! Tonight’s topics will be [drumroll]… fiscal policy initiatives [boos]…patriotic fervor [chorus of “Americuhhh!!”]…marital fidelity [“Lewinskyyy”]…how terrible the last president was…and, last but not least…what costumes did the candidates’ children wear for Halloween?! [Flash to Obama handing out candy at White House.]
After the judges have had one hour each to smear, defame, and mudsling the hell of out the candidates, each candidate will be given one minute to refute the judges’ accusations. Failure to refute an accusation will be presumed to signify an admission of guilt.
Finally, we will hold the voting portion of the evening. The phone numbers for each candidate will once again flash at the bottom of your TV screens and our judges will recap the important points they think will have the most influence on the voting. During that time, our phone lines will be open for you to call and place your vote. If you hear a busy tone, continue calling until a recording confirms that you have voted. Due to high call volumes, the chances of callers from heavily democratic, urban area codes receiving a busy tone are greatly increased, but this is not due to any sort of bias in our system. I promise.
But wait, there’s more! After you place your vote, you will automatically be mailed a Taco Bell coupon good for one FREE steak chalupa with the purchase of three steak chalupas and a medium drink! Valid only at participating locations. Offer ends Jan. 3, 2011.
Let the democracy begin!