I met Clay in early October. I saw his profile on Scruff, an app that is basically Grindr’s hairier, more muscular older brother. His profile was innocuous enough: a half-decent photo showing his shaved head, scruffy beard, and green eyes, followed by a bio describing his ticks, tocks, and everything in between. I thought he was cute, so I used my classic, never-fail pick up line and said, “Hey.”
Much to my surprise, Clay was more than just your average 46-year old daddy looking for twink cock. Clay was kinky. Like, really kinky. He started listing his fetishes: bondage, piss, spit, paddles, voyeurism, gags, plugs—you name it, he wanted to try it. Fall break was fast approaching, and I had been playing with enough guys to know what a good time was going to look like, so I invited Clay over for a playdate that Monday.
Clay and I hadn’t talked about what we would actually do that night, which made me really worried; I had met way too many BDSM tops who had no respect for boundaries. Bringing up my concerns with Clay seemed like a good idea, so we talked. He seemed to be very respectful of my inexperience (with bondage that is, I was no stranger to the vanilla stuff). My growing feelings of comfort and admiration were further compounded when, upon arrival, Clay spent five or ten minutes talking to me, reaffirming that in addition to being an experienced handler, he was a person, too. After reminding him of my low pain tolerance and some of my favorite kinks (spitting and edging to the front of the line, please), we started to play.
Clay’s voice got lower, his grip felt stronger, and his motions were gruffer. I began to strip, until I was completely naked, kneeling in front of him. I was quickly collared, and the slight pressure around my neck began to put me into a submissive head space. I was instructed to keep my hands behind my back while Clay reached through his bag to find the right toy to start with. He chose a blindfold, and before I knew it the world was snuffed out.
After five or so minutes of teasing my body, Clay eased up and I could hear rummaging. I was told to stand, and lie face down on my bed, which is really difficult when you can’t see shit. From there, I was hogtied. I don’t know if you’ve ever been hogtied, but you can’t move at all. Clay had total control over me, and he played with me for an hour. Suddenly, Clay stopped. He removed my blindfold, and in a voice full of care and affection, talked me through the process of regaining my sight; taking off a blindfold after so long has a period of readjustment, and it’s terrifying to be unable to see knowing the blindfold is already off.
Then we cuddled. Me, naked and weak from the bondage, Clay, clothed and compassionate. He rubbed my belly and called me pup, a name that’s become a staple of our relationship. We began to play again. This time, there was no blindfold or rope. Just him stroking me, sucking on my toes (which I had never been particularly interested in before, but damn was he good at), and staring deeply into my eyes. I didn’t want to cum that night for fear that it would shatter the blossoming bond I felt between us. But I had to cum eventually. Afterwards, we cleaned up, kissed, and Clay went on his way.
I had a sneaking suspicion that Clay and I would turn out to be a lot more than just occasional fuck buddies. Over the next few weeks, I was incredulous to discover that I had started to develop feelings for him. How could a man who is so strong and rough be so kind and compassionate to me? Why do I feel so attached to this person who, from an outsider’s perspective, beat me up me for two hours? I’m still discovering the answers to those questions today, five months later.
What I can say about that night is that by baring my body to him, by being tied up and helpless, I put a lot of trust in Clay. He saw me at my most vulnerable and took that responsibility on with care and respect. Trusting him with my body opened up a trust of my mental state as well. In much the same way that those 36 questions create an instant bond between the respondents, being put into bondage has created a really special relationship with Clay. A relationship that is teaching me about trust, love, and myself. A relationship that I will treasure for the rest of my life.