How to Get a Ticket to Coachella

By now you’ve already heard the tragic news: Coachella tickets have sold out. Last year, some 225,000 flocked to Indio, California to take part in the sun-drenched revelry. Jay-Z, Pavement, LCD Soundsystem, and even Thom Yorke made it out for the fun. And what else could you call it? People living out of their cars, sleeping next to total strangers, sloppily drunk by 9 a.m., bathing intermittently or not at all, a hot ocean of glimmering port-o-potties, five separate stages each with their own separate pulse, sober reunions under a giant origami crane, light shows from furtive shirtless strangers, the occasional too-high hippie, the occasional too-high frat guy, cleavage-sandwiched marijuana paraphernalia, and your favorite song darting through the shadowy nooks of crowds just to find your ears.You know, it’s really a shame you won’t be going this year. But lucky for you, I did some research, and all’s not lost. There are apparently two ways you can still secure a Coachella ticket:1. You can pay through the teeth.Apparently (in the true spirit of the festival…), some guy at CMC bought a bunch of tickets so he could price-gouge his classmates. Really nice. One Scripps student I spoke to is paying $1100 for two tickets—nearly twice as much as the original ticket price. So if you’re considering buying from a ticket scalper, I’d like to humbly try to dissuade you. Ticket scalpers are a curious breed. It’s helpful to think of them like vampires. True, they feed off your money instead of your blood, but like vampires, the only way to kill them is to drive a wooden stake through their crooked hearts. Get your tickets elsewhere.2. Peep far, friendly reader, your search for tickets has been dismal, but fear not—it’s about to take a turn for the whimsical. The attitude of potential ticket buyers on Craigslist is one of unfettered optimism. See for yourself. There are plenty of people just like you, who are down but not out! They may not have a cool $600 cash to offer up like a fat sacrifice to the insatiable maw of the ticket scalper, but they have something that the scalper does not. Optimism, creativity, and scruples.The worthwhile ads on Craigslist are the ones that end in those three magical words: interesting trades welcome. If you’re still jonesing to catch sexy Swedish hit-maker Robyn, the 19-piece rock band Broken Social Scene, or the genre-mincing, Brian Wilson-copping Animal Collective in action, then take your cues from Mr. sale-n2qva—he’s offering his ’92 Honda Accord (w/ clean record, for all the skeptics) in exchange for two Coachella tickets and a camping pass. What are you waiting for? Hop on the bandwagon and make the anonymous Internet masses an outlandish bid. And when you do, you better come out swinging like Mr. sale-jyaha, who’s offering a ride to and from the festival for anyone who has an extra ticket. Plus, he’s “willing to throw in some electronics.” Someone’s too legit to quit. These hapless souls (God bless them) are doing everything they can to avoid forking over their hard earned cash to scalpers. Believe me, for every buyer on Craigslist offering a purple Vespa with a damaged engine for a ticket and a camping pass, there are three sellers, each with sharp fangs and vicious imaginations.The thing is, Coachella is not for the scalpers. It’s for the people who are trying to make it honest. Like that girl with the Vespa. Like that guy who’s desperately looking to cram into someone’s camping spot. His ad features a dizzily colorful photo of him, decked out in rave gear and grinning ear to ear. He offers hopefully, “I’m always ready to have a good time.” And you—you work Saturday nights at the Coop serving drunk people chicken tenders. Don’t let those Saturday nights go to padding some jerk’s wallet. He’s going to use the overhead on a motel room with A/C, showers, and HBO.So gather up last semester’s textbooks, your couch, your records, your burgeoning taxonomy collection, and whatever else you’ve got lying around your dorm room and see who’s taking. Coachella’s a trip, even if you have to bathe in other people’s sweat.

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