We’ve got a situation: Valentine’s Day. It’s in two days, and you still don’t have a date. No one’s picking up the phone, and you’re losing the numbers game. But sometimes that’s just how the Shore goes.
You know that whatever your Valentine’s plans are, they would be better at Seaside. So take a hint from the best and celebrate Valentine’s like a real live guido.
1. Get juiced up. Girls don’t like weak, skinny, smart weeny men. We want roid raging muscle, and we want it now.
2. Ed Hardy. You don’t own enough. If I can’t see your fleur de lis metallic print wife beater from across the room, how am I going to notice you?
3. Get a blow out. You should spend more time on your hair than me, cuz that’s manly.
4. G is for Gym. Duh. Steroids can only do so much.
5. T is for Tan. Tan lines are for poor people.
6. L is for laundry. Nothing says independent like clean clothes.
7. Creep on girls. I love it when sketchy guys ask my fake boobs to hang out in their hot tub.
8. Be Italian. Stereotypes make everyone easier to understand.
9. Adopt an alias. Do you rip guys heads off after having sex? You’re a JWoww. Can you see your abs? You’re The Situation. Are you fat, ugly, and insecure? You’re a Snooki!
10. Get punched in the face.