Movie Review: I.M. Chat With TwiliteLuver6969

1runw1thvampslol: OMG did u see the nu twilite lolBiteme47: You mean the movie about teenagers who glare intensely at each other with no meaning to their interactions unless you know the books by heart?1runw1thvampslol: YAY EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!11Biteme47: Clearly this movie is immune to criticism. It did have the third biggest opening in history ($142 million). Its fans are similarly immune. But can we please attempt to get to the bottom of what this movie is trying to communicate to us?1runw1thvampslol: OMG edward is soooo hawt lol roflBiteme47: Exactly. Bella Swan (played by Kristen Stewart) has been happily in love with creepy stalker-vampire Edward Cullen since the last movie, but Edward changes his mind and leaves Bella in about as much time as it takes for you to read this sentence. Bella spends the next three months, which unfold nearly in real time, sitting in her room trying to get over her broken heart. It is difficult to sympathize with her. Every person that Bella meets falls inexplicably in love with her. Judging by the attitudes of her friends, whom she treats like irrelevant garbage, she might actually be the most popular person at her school. Yet all of this is meaningless without Edward. Edward (played by Robert Pattinson with the grace of Keanu Reeves) is an attractive vampire, but beyond this there seems to be no explanation for Bella’s “love.” 1runw1thvampslol: hes HAWT not ATTRACTIVE lolBiteme47: That’s what this is all about, right? The fact that he has no personality is as unimportant as his age. Edward is 109 years old and he is making out with teenagers in front of the high school. Bella realizes this in a rare moment of clarity and says, “I should be totally grossed out by this.” Yes, actually, we all should. Most of us would be if Edward looked his age.1runw1thvampslol: EW OLD PPL :0)*Biteme47: But I guess statutory rape is only wrong if you’re ugly.1runw1thvampslol: EC = SOO HAWT lolBiteme47: So anyway, after Edward leaves and Bella emerges from her angst, she develops a friendship with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner, in case you’ve been living in a cave). I mean, an actual friendship. In neither of the Twilight movies do Bella and Edward speak to each other this much. Edward, the creepy old pervert, mostly stares at Bella from the foot of her bed while she sleeps. Jacob, by contrast, is friendly, conversational, and builds a motorcycle for Bella, which she promptly crashes, cutting her forehead. “Oh you’re bleeding,” Jacob says softly. He suddenly rips his shirt off, revealing his chiseled, tanned body to the screams and applause of everyone in the theater. His shirt remains off for the rest of the movie.1runw1thvampslol: hes no edward hes just a dumb werewolfBiteme47: The most insulting part of this movie is that you’re supposed to believe anyone would choose Edward over Jacob.1runw1thvampslol: dont say itBiteme47: Everything is wrong with this movie: the acting, the cinematography, the CGI, the message. But when you compare Jacob, with his bad-ass personality and sculpted chest, to Edward, with his pedophilia and weird hairy nipples, there’s just no question…1runw1thvampslol: DONT SAY IT BASTARD ILL KILL YOUBiteme47: TEAM JACOB ALL THE WAY!! TAKE THAT VAMP TRAMP!1runw1thvampslol: AAAAHHHHH DIIIIIEE