For years I’d convinced myself that insecurities around my facial features, weight and outfits were juvenile. Worrying about my appearance was surely a superficial pastime.
The approaching conclusion of Women’s History Month, however, has me reflecting on my internal battle with my appearance — and on the insidious ways I’ve allowed my appearance to control me.
Up until recently, I couldn’t leave the house without wearing eyeliner. I couldn’t wear skirts unless I’d shaved my legs. I couldn’t go out if my outfit was unflattering. Even if I couldn’t pinpoint the exact part of my face or body that was producing my insecurity, there was always an underlying feeling that something was wrong if I didn’t go the extra mile to fix my appearance.
So, what did I do? I made myself more comfortable with feeling “ugly.”
Slowly, I started to intentionally avoid anything that altered my appearance significantly — this meant no makeup, no elaborate outfits and no shaving. It wasn’t a complete lifestyle change but rather a way to wean myself off my previous mindset.
For some reason, critiquing my previous behavior of wearing makeup, wearing certain outfits and shaving my body hair seemed like I was acting out the “I’m not like the other girls!” cliche. The cliche occurs when a girl attempts to separate herself from other girls, often in an attempt to feel superior. “Other girls” are portrayed as watered-down feminine stereotypes that contrast with the girl who is messy, unfeminine, authentic, less obnoxious and, more importantly, wears no makeup.
Despite my own justifications, abstaining from these practices allowed me to feel more confident in the long run. I spent less money and I felt less pressured by others watching me. But I also felt as if I was automatically putting down other women who did engage in such practices.
How can all of these be true?
There’s a clear sentiment among girls my age that women must support women and reject internalized misogyny. This is evident in the critique of the aforementioned “not like other girls” cliche — there’s even a subreddit ridiculing it.
The idea behind women supporting women is obviously well-intentioned, but the backlash against “not like the other girls” girls has inadvertently created a culture that supports women’s choices unanimously. No matter what that choice is.
This is choice feminism — a depoliticized, easily digestible form of feminism that states that if a woman is making a choice of her own free will, then that choice is automatically valid. This view of feminism avoids critically examining certain choices and how they develop.
Not all choices are truly equal nor do they exist in a vacuum.
Many women (myself included) were raised in an environment where beauty products are constantly advertised, where a certain (white) beauty standard is the ideal and where meeting this beauty standard is the key to success.
With these ideas ingraining themselves into our heads since early childhood, choosing to live up to the beauty standard, then, may not actually be a choice.
Wearing certain types of makeup, using skin-lightening creams, getting plastic surgery — these are “choices” that women are conditioned to make. They are also choices done out of self-preservation, as a means of avoiding the social consequences of not fitting the model of an ideal woman.
It’s important to remember that not everyone has the luxury of living up to a feminist ideal, a life without gendered expectations. Some women, especially those from marginalized identities, don’t always have the luxury to break free from the pressures placed upon their appearance.
Women of color and trans women are constantly pushing back against historic narratives that deny them their womanhood. To affirm their identity, some of these women choose to embrace femininity.
Certain choices align with gendered expectations imposed upon women, while other choices break away from them.
As a brown woman with a lot of body hair, it is a much harder choice to let it grow than it is to shave it off. I feel far more comfortable in public if I shave it off. However, by doing so, I perpetuate the idea that my natural body hair is unnatural.
It’s important to recognize that the idea of women supporting women should not be used to uncritically accept all choices a woman makes. Not every choice is necessarily feminist and not every choice is beneficial just because it’s made by a woman exercising her free will.
Conversations around choice feminism must be nuanced and critical. There is no set guideline for what choices are “truly feminist.” Women shouldn’t be vilified or glorified for their choices.
I don’t believe that one must live a life of abstinence from all gendered consumer products — I certainly don’t.
My advice, rather: Ask yourself why you make the choices you make regarding your appearance and behaviors. Question your emotions. For example, why does doing x make you feel better as opposed to y?
Most importantly, envision yourself as less perfect and more free.
Anjali Suva PO ’27 is from Orange County, California. She loves watching horror films, reading fantasy books and abusing em dashes in her articles.
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