This past week, I eagerly awaited updates while my twin, Lucy, played matchmaker for my older sister Vivian. My twin’s friend’s roommate’s brother (I know, a mouthful) happens to be single, so my twin connected them through phone numbers.
Three days later, Lucy broke the disappointing news that neither of them had made a move. It is completely normal for both people to be nervous to initiate romance, but Vivian’s mindset indicated a mislead sense of self-respect:
“I’m not asking him out. If he wanted to, he would.”
My twin and I agonized over this misguided reasoning — this logic is the opposite of uplifting. It harkens back to traditional gender roles in heterosexual relationships. The idea that a man bears the responsibility of initiating romance with a woman continues to pervade society, with straight women 3.5 times less likely to send the first message via dating apps compared to straight men.
Too many women, including my sister, are depriving themselves of the chance to discover someone worthwhile by failing to put themselves out there.
By accepting traditional gender norms, women who seek relationships with men may limit their own control and autonomy in shaping their romantic lives. Women interested in men should strive to make the first move and recognize proactivity for what it is: empowering.
There’s validity behind many women’s fear of making the first move. Deeply ingrained societal gender roles have had serious repercussions on how heterosexual women approach romantic situations. It’s a lot to ask of a woman to move past these traditional views when it’s all they have heard from the media and older generations.
The idea of being sought after by a man is enticing for many women, and there is a commonly held belief that being the first to make a move signifies desperation.
However, it wasn’t fear that led Vivian to her stance. Rather, it was reassurance that she was doing the best thing for herself by not making the first move. Many women believe they are above putting themselves on the line for a man and deserve to be pursued rather than be the one to initiate.
While it’s important to know your own worth, this ideology shows blatant disrespect for your time, interests and emotions. By abdicating one’s power, men assume total authority over if a date will happen, while women suppress what they truly want.
Women interested in men are doing themselves a disservice by smothering strong emotions they have for a guy. It’s illogical to frame suppression as self-worth. Every woman looking to date a man must take a chance on themselves when they like someone — that’s self-respect.
Let’s imagine the worst case scenario: rejection. Although it sucks, taking initiative clarifies whether or not this is worthwhile. Any woman that is rejected after asking a man out can move on quickly and acknowledge that she put her best foot forward.
Initiating will always be better than waiting passively with uncertainty for a man to make the first move — this way, there are no questions of “what if?” A woman is showing herself respect by displaying her intentions and not wasting her time.
To be clear, I’m not claiming women looking to date men should always make the first move. I propose all women looking to date men should equally appreciate taking initiative and being on the receiving end of it.
There should be an equal expectation that both men and women initiate. One scenario should not be perceived as more ideal than the other. Whether it’s in person, through social media or on dating apps, stop being passive — let your true desires drive your actions rather than societal expectations.
Out of the men I have dated, I initiated all but one of the first dates. Rather than exhaust all the small talk before an actual date, I made an effort to ask the guy out, whether it be in person, over text or on dating apps, as soon as I sense a connection. I’ve shot my shot with a good amount of men and lived through rejections and I’m happier because of it.
I encourage all women to weigh being pursued by a man and pursuing a man as equally viable options. In the end, the only regret should be the chances not taken, not the risk of reaching out.
Tess McHugh PO ’25 is from Denver, Colorado. She loves chia seed pudding, the West Village in New York City and the movie “American Psycho” (2000).
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