It’s often in Malott Commons where I encounter one of my greatest pet peeves.
Whenever I walk towards the Oasis line or browse the too-often empty utensil containers, I always come face to face with another student. Inevitably, one of us has to make way for the other.
But that face-to-face encounter is not what bothers me. Usually, it’s pretty negligible, with the run-in being something I barely notice and rarely remember.
What I really can’t stand is what follows: “Sorry.”
If I asked you to finish that sentence by specifying what you’re apologizing for, you’d probably have a hard time answering. Why are we apologizing for simply being in a two-foot proximity to each other?
While these incessant “sorries” occur throughout all the 5C campuses, the Malott encounters come to mind most prominently. Particularly, I’ve noticed that the majority of the times that I hear an unwarranted apology, it is coming from another woman or femme-presenting person.
It’s in conversation with my female friends where I hear “sorries” being thrown around for verbal slips. All too often, I catch us expressing guilt when it is not warranted.
I’m not oblivious to the criticism here. “Sorry” is just a word — why am I so opposed to it being used, albeit unnecessarily?
At its core, to apologize is to show remorse for an action that has had some kind of negative impact. Apologizing for something as simple as skimming someone’s shoulder in passing makes the event seem more significant than it is. Overusing “sorry” diminishes its importance in situations where it is truly warranted.
The use of the word “sorry” has become instinctual — it’s easy to fall into the habit of over-apologizing.
For those who know me personally, you’ve probably heard me go against the message of this article and use “sorry” when I don’t need to. Recently, I caught myself saying sorry to a bench because I bumped into it as I was walking.
But, I believe it’s a habit I’ve been socialized to adopt — and am being explicit about unlearning.
A 2010 study found that women apologize at higher rates than men because they consider more actions offensive, and thus in need of an apology, more often than men.
For example, a woman who has been socialized only to speak when she has the floor may consider interrupting to be disruptive. A man, on the other hand, might not interpret the interruption in the same way. He might even attribute it to the normal flow of dialogue.
Interrupting can be useful when someone is confident that their point will aid the conversation at that particular moment. Consider what the world would look like if women interrupted at the same rate as men; instead of apologizing for accidentally taking the floor, we reclaim agency over what we have to say.
I’m not saying we need to start interrupting just for the sake of it. But if we find that who we are talking to has been rambling for ages without giving us a chance to speak, it’s worth making an effort to make our voice heard.
When we apologize, we automatically assume an unpowered position, which can be counterproductive. Incessant apologizing is people-pleasing behavior because saying sorry masks the fear of another person’s disapproval. We all want to be liked, but why let go of our self-assuredness for something we don’t even truly feel bad about?
Rather than turning our smallest mistakes into wrongdoings by apologizing, try offering a more confident acknowledgment. For instance, there’s the classic substitution of “Sorry I’m late” with “Thank you for waiting.”
Dining halls are busy — Malott is certainly no exception — and I’m sure we will all find ourselves unnecessarily apologizing again soon. There is no reason to feel bad about an unneeded “sorry”; just notice it and move on. The more you start to catch onto the unnecessary apologies, the easier it becomes to unlearn. It all comes down to re-training your natural responses through a sense of acceptance.
I understand as well as any how ingrained apologizing is, especially for women — oftentimes, we do it without even realizing it. But becoming more aware of when we unnecessarily apologize is the first step to fixing the problem and taking back our power.
Parishi Kanuga CM ’26 is from Los Angeles, California. She would like to sincerely apologize for all of her past unnecessary apologies.
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