With our student body at the 5Cs, it was difficult for me to pinpoint why I felt disconnected.
The two aspects of my identity — Asian American and Queer — seem to fit perfectly into the 5C community. There are plenty of Asian Americans and even more Queer students. And yet, I feel as if I am existing outside of the 5C experience — in comparison to my peers at the 5Cs, I can never feel quite Queer enough.
This experience contrasted sharply with my life in Orange County before college. There, at a school that was 72 percent Asian and had 94 percent minority enrollment, my Queer experience was similar to those around me.
Many of the Queer individuals I knew in high school weren’t officially out to their parents, who were immigrants. We couldn’t be open about our relationships because of our implicit understanding that our parents wouldn’t understand or be supportive.
Aside from the homophobia that is prevalent nearly everywhere, there was also the added barrier of how relationships were perceived in many Asian cultures. Mine included.
Oftentimes, relationships are formed out of necessity or tradition and younger individuals are discouraged from entering them until they are of appropriate age (aka not a teenager). These additional cultural stigmas meant that our relationship with Queerness was distinct. Most of our engagement with our Queerness was subtle and much of it was through Asian media such as movies, dramas and anime.
We were bonded by the knowledge that we existed in contrast to the status quo — that no matter how we appeared to the public, we were undoubtedly Queer.
Then I came to the 5Cs.
I was caught off guard by the ample opportunities that students had to be unabashedly Queer. It was an environment where students expressed their Queerness through their appearance, the media they consumed and events on campus. The sheer amount of people jostling each other at the Motley to see a screening of “Bottoms” is a testament to this.
Coming from an immigrant family, there’s a persistent disconnect between my Queer identity and my identity as an Asian American. Having spent so much of my life being Queer in private, it’s difficult to feel Queer enough by 5C standards.
My experience is not isolated by any means. Many other students from immigrant communities experience the pressure to dress and act traditionally; on the other hand, “appearing Queer” in the United States implies doing the opposite — it means exploring counterculture styles and ways of life.
Queer culture defies the norm, but I find myself bound to tradition.
In addition, the Queer experience at the 5Cs (and in the United States) is centered around the white Queer experience — something I’m unfamiliar with.
At the 5Cs, there are certain types of experiences — in contrast to my white peers — that I feel I lack: wearing clothes that allude to my sexual orientation, wearing any form of Pride Merch, attending Pride parades or attending drag performances. These experiences presuppose that Queer students had the capacity to be openly Queer, something that many Asian American students simply don’t have.
Logically, I recognize that my Queerness is not erased by my Asian identity — but this “imposter syndrome” speaks to a bigger conversation about intersectionality within Queerness. Queer culture at the 5Cs needs to expand to encompass the many ways that Queer students attempt to explore and accept their sexuality beyond a specific set of behaviors or experiences.
The first step? Being more conscientious about what it means to be Queer in different contexts.
For all of the readers who can relate to my experience, know that you should never have to compromise your ethnic background for your Queerness. You are Queer enough by all standards.
Anjali Suva PO ’27 is from Orange County, California. She loves watching horror films, reading fantasy books and wondering what she’d do if the world were to end in 24 hours.
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