One of the most prevalent pieces of dating advice my mom gave me is to never shit where you eat. If you’re not familiar with this saying, it basically means you shouldn’t cause trouble in places or within groups you are in regularly. After reminding me of this advice, she always follows it up with, “You know how I know? I’ve done it.”
In my opinion, this is the best reasoning you can get: Someone out there who knows your situation and, even if they’re not exactly the same, has been through it before. And now you get all the juicy details without having to shoot yourself in the foot.
Despite my efforts to follow my mom’s advice, I am guilty of shitting where I eat. My fling with Roddy was a prime example. At first, it felt exciting and convenient — mysterious even. But when things ended, I realized how impossible it was to create space when we were constantly in the same places and surrounded by our mutual friends. I couldn’t just move on in peace because reminders of him were everywhere. It made me understand firsthand why my mom told me this rule in the first place.
Even though I try my hardest to live by this saying, I can also admit that it is not as easy as it sounds. There’s a big difference between a relationship forming organically and seeking to date within a close circle. And sometimes I feel myself connecting with people I spend a lot of time around.
The main reason I avoid dating within my inner circles is simple: how often I have to see the people I shit with. I find it hard to move on from something when said thing is constantly around me.
I recently tried to hit up a friend of mine who isn’t in my immediate friend circle. We’ll call him Geronimo Stilton. Unfortunately, he did not pick up what I was putting down. But, if he did catch onto what I was saying and rejected me, then I’m fortunate enough not to have to interact with him on a daily basis.
“There’s a big difference between a relationship forming organically and seeking to date within a close circle.“
Another reason I avoid dating within close friend groups is the aftermath of it. Even if the breakup wasn’t messy, there’s still an expectation that the friends will choose a side. This custody battle for friends can be a breeding ground for gossip, tension and people thinking they know everything about your relationship.
Don’t even get me started on workplace romances. Not only do you have to navigate your emotions, but there are also power dynamics, professionalism and job obligations that make these relationships much riskier. If you burn that bridge, you can’t just mute them in the group chat, you still have to work together.
But of course, not all dating inside close circles stories end up as cautionary tales. I’ve seen plenty of people meet through work, start dating in friend groups and still thrive. They set clear boundaries, kept the drama to a minimum and somehow avoided making things weird for everyone in a close vicinity. I respect it. Nay, I envy it!
Two friends of mine started dating freshman year but broke up a few years later. At first, it was slightly awkward, but that is to be expected. Months passed and now they are both on good terms with each other. They kept all of their friends, talked to each other daily and still hang out on occasion.
Through my singular shit where you eat experience, I learned that even though I know I have the ability to have a mature conversation and end things nicely, I also know that it doesn’t matter what I believe. I can say or think anything I want, but my heart will feel whatever it wants to feel. And that alone is enough to make me stay away from these situations in the first place.
With a grain of salt, of course, take this column as a sign to take caution when dating a coworker, a classmate or a teammate. You know how I know? Because I’ve done it.
Tom Cat might just shit where they eat soon oops. Awesome column content coming your way!
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