Dear TSL,
I just got a Trader Joe’s tote bag and I want to wear it around but I’m worried that people are going to think I’m performative. Do I give it to a friend or should I launch it as a new style after fall break?
Sincerely,
Junior History Major
I can’t say I am personally a fan of tote bags, but I appreciate their ubiquity and usefulness: They function somewhere between a purse and a backpack. And as a loyal customer of Trader Joe’s (TJ’s), I feel especially honored to answer this question.
A stuffed TJ’s (bear with my abbreviation here) tote you throw into a car to go to the beach is very different from a conspicuously empty TJ’s tote you carry as you walk into your seminar class. A good rule of thumb: If a tote is being used practically, then it’s probably not performative.
Here’s another consideration: Will your TJ’s tote be obnoxiously shoved in everyone’s space and field of vision, or will it simply be a subtle companion as you navigate your day? No need to have it splayed on top of the library table — resting against the leg of your chair is just fine.
I also want to make the non-research-backed claim that society has in many ways recently moved past its fixation on performativeness. Maybe my social media algorithms have changed over the years, but I don’t see nearly as many bits about people, especially men, going to laughable lengths to create an analog look. I don’t think wearing wired earbuds, for example, will elicit the same mocking reaction it might have in the past. The same would go for a Trader Joe’s bag. Performativeness, nowadays, is all about mentality. Ask yourself this: Do you pretend to be someone you’re not in a pseudo-intellectual way? If so, then no amount of non-performative dressing will save you.
The real answer, though, is that any stylistic choice can look good if you wear it with confidence. I know this is easier said than done. People might think they’re pulling something off, but they aren’t. I’m guilty of this myself; in high school I thought it would be cool to wear a UNIQLO faux fur coat. As you might imagine, it was not. There’s no exact science to it, but if you need fashion inspiration, look up “Mario Balotelli outfits” on TikTok. He could certainly pull off a TJ’s tote. I have faith that you can, too.
Dear TSL,
I just recently started seeing/hooking up with someone here (my first time doing anything like this). I cant really tell how casual or not this thing is or how to navigate this new type of relationship (?). Also with being new to intimacy + with someone I dont really know. any advice on anything of the sort is helpful
Sincerely,
Confused sophomore
If you asked my friends to affirm whether I was well-suited to answer this question, they would probably laugh. Just maybe, though, you’ll benefit from the outside perspective of someone with very little relationship experience.
First, you need to figure out your own level of commitment. This I can’t help with. Some people never buy into hookup culture or casual relationships, while others are all for it — but most are probably somewhere in the middle. Know yourself enough to figure out your place on that scale, then decide what you want to take or leave from my advice. This is probably the point where those that know me will stop reading. Then again, sometimes the beginner is the only one able to see the forest for the trees.
Next, you need to gauge the other person’s level of commitment. Are they conspicuously liking every other one of your Instagram stories? Maybe that means they want something more. Or are they awkwardly avoiding eye contact on the other end of the long Frary banquet tables? Maybe it’s time to move on. To be fair, gauging someone’s level of commitment is an inherently risky endeavor, one that too often and too easily leads to an overly pessimistic view. But try to get in the ballpark, and work from there. Sometimes it’s nice to avoid rushing to a definition, even if it means existing in that strange limbo of a situationship for some time. Enjoy it, because at the risk of sounding too corny, the unknown is often what makes it fun. It also gives you time to figure out the relationship dynamic and what you want.
Finally, I think we should address the fact that, ultimately, you don’t know this person very well. While it can be good to wait to define a relationship, I feel ambivalent about encouraging you to wait to get to know this person. Relationships (even platonic ones) are some of the most intimate and vulnerable experiences of our lives, and there’s no point continuing on with a stranger. Of course, you have to start somewhere, but if you find yourself still not feeling like you know this person after weeks of hanging out, that’s a problem.
This is a short and overly simplified answer to a complicated topic. At the end of the day, trust your gut and have an open mind. For what it’s worth, I find that some of life’s most fun and memorable moments are spontaneous.
In the end, just try to live your life, and let your room accumulate the lovely remains of that lived life. That way, it will always remind you of who you are, which you never want to forget while on the path towards who you want to become.
Dear TSL,
Should I furnish my room?
I have no furniture and we are halfway through the semester. When I sent pictures to my sister earlier this year, she was horrified…Why I think I’d want furniture: My room reflects poorly on who I am to potential visitors. My friends from SDSU came to visit, and when I showed them my room I could feel the judgement; he said “you need a couple posters or something” but I heard “how the hell do you live like this”…At this point, I’ve grown accustomed to my way of life. I’m content to spend a late night in my half closet, half reading nook, with a cheap Target lamp steadied on a rolled up, upright foam stretch mat and my laundry hamper as a table…But sometimes the minimalist way of life is as destabilizing as it is liberating…Sometimes, when I lie my head on my lone orthopedic pillow and pull my only sheet (which is, of course, gray) over my body, I gaze upon the panel of fluorescent light bulging out of the gray roof and feel a strange sense of vulnerability, exacerbated by the late-night chatter penetrating my consciousness through the room’s eternally open windows (I don’t have AC).
Important context: I am working from nothing here. Literally nothing. I understand that I don’t need to purchase a fine Kazakh rug or fengshui max, and can probably just buy a poster or two. But at this point, the room has become more about who I am, and who I want to become.
Sincerely,
Prospective Ascetic
This question was a joy to read. And I agree that when you have people over, you want to present a non-monastic living situation — an unfortunate yet real byproduct of our consumerist society.
To be clear, I think the flip side of your problem — having an overly adorned Pinterest-y, Airbnb-y vibe — can often be more soulless and somehow scary. At least with minimalism, everything is used, and in using those objects, they become a partial but true reflection of yourself. That is not the case with a Pinterest room.
The best course of action here is to have decorations that reflect your interests. For example, if you like to read (which it seems that you may, based on the literary prose in the question), display your books on a shelf or a desk. Yes, yes, that can be seen as performative, but if you’ve actually read the books, it’s not. For me, I am a big coffee guy, so my coffee machine that I use most mornings takes a prominent position in my room layout. Is it traditional artwork? No. Does it add to the ambiance of the room? Yes. This way, utility can turn into decoration, and it won’t look forced.
More practically, I have two comments. First: you can never go wrong with a poster from Amazon. Feeling that my room lacked decoration last year, I bought a poster of Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones — one of my favorite characters on TV — and he now stands menacingly pointing a crossbow at the door of my room. It was an impulse purchase that turned into one of my favorite wall adornments.
Second: invest in some furniture you like and will actually use. It will last you for the rest of your time in college. On my end, I have a lamp with three shelves that I got from Target. The first shelf holds my speaker, the second shelf some old course readings and the third shelf a stack of New Yorkers (this actually is performative, because I haven’t actually read some of them). The lamp distributes a warm yellow glow. I appreciate it every day.
In the end, just try to live your life, and let your room accumulate the lovely remains of that lived life. That way, it will always remind you of who you are, which you never want to forget while on the path towards who you want to become.
Ethan Ravi PO ’29 is bumbling through his midterms. If you ever see him scrolling in the dining hall, tell him to lower the stimulation and get back to work.
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