Welcome to “Ravi-lations with Ethan,” where I throw my thoughts on various dilemmas at the 5Cs into the digital void. Am I the wisest advice-giver out there? Maybe not. But I bet you’ll come across some interesting musings.
Dear TSL,
how do i become ok with being alone? i wanna be one of those people that can find divinity in spending time alone and i am most definitely nawt. 🙁 how do i achieve a mindset of being ok being alone and also balance trying to make friends?
Sincerely,
Average Freshman
Dear Average Freshman,
This is a dilemma I’m sure everyone has faced in college. Let me preface by saying that I believe humans, by default, are social creatures. Of course, everyone exists on some nebulous spectrum of introversion to extroversion. But what good is life if it isn’t to be shared with others? Your discomfort with being alone is normal. But even if you’re the most extroverted person in the world, there will inevitably be times you have to be alone. My hope is that, by the end of this, you learn to handle being alone with grace and hopefully even some joy.
The first step in shaking off the discomfort of being alone is to embrace the lack of stimulation that will come with it. Socializing comes with expectation: responding to other people’s words, but also picking up on nonverbal cues — facial expressions, body language, words left unsaid. All of these occupy the mind. When you’re alone, that goes away, which can definitely feel strange and uneasy.
The natural response is to reach for a device. I’m certainly guilty of this — when I eat alone, I often pull out my computer only to stare blankly at my email inbox, simply because it eases the discomfort of a lack of stimulation. But if we’re ever to truly feel comfortable being alone, we need to also feel comfortable without constant stimulation. It’s not easy, but I assure you it’s worth it. An easy way to practice is this: The next time you find yourself alone at a dining hall, try going deviceless and just sit with your own thoughts. People say their best ideas spark in the shower, without the mental noise of the external world. Maybe you’ll have your best idea at your next meal alone.
It’s no secret that there lurks some sort of insecurity in being alone. Being in a group offers security. Being alone makes people vulnerable. Without denying that this is a very real part of the human condition, I want to reframe it: Eventually, the less fulfilling path is to stick with the herd. At some point in your life, you will need to decide who you want to be without others. And that decision always comes hand in hand with a sense of independence — no two people are the same, so no two people can live the same lives. If you stick with a crowd your whole life, it will inevitably hinder your ability to live out your unique version of life.
At some point in your life, you will need to decide who you want to be without others. And that decision always comes hand in hand with a sense of independence — no two people are the same, so no two people can live the same lives.
This doesn’t mean you should avoid groups, or try incredibly hard to stand out from everyone else — we all know this is annoying in its own right — but that you should feel able to part from the crowd during moments essential for your personal development. Aloneness then isn’t something to be uncomfortable with — after all, you’re simply in pursuit of the life you want to live.
We’ve covered two factors that might underpin the discomfort that comes with being alone, and how you might remedy those, but it’s also worth exploring some practical resolutions to your dilemma — namely, finding hobbies that allow you to relish your aloneness.
Although I had previously never considered walking a hobby, this summer, I found myself reconsidering. It was my time to be alone with my own thoughts, and I came to cherish the space that was created. Sometimes I would go on walks with other people, sometimes I would go with music, but often I would enjoy the walk and take in my surroundings and think my own thoughts. Walking is a particularly good alone activity because it looks quite normal from the outside — people rarely judge others for strolling by themselves.
Hobbies that offer alone time, whatever they may be, also benefit your social life. Unless you are genuinely in the 99th percentile of extroversion, it’s necessary to take breaks from socializing. These breaks allow you to avoid social burnout and enjoy your moments of socialization even more.
The simple answer to this, though, is that you will ultimately get adjusted to and feel more comfortable with college life over time. It can be incredibly daunting to be alone as a first-year student, but without much effort on anyone’s part, you’ll notice that apprehension fading by your second year — due to some combination of the almost-universal increase in academic workload and everyone’s heightened familiarity with each other and the college environment.
This is what I’ll leave you with: Developing and maintaining meaningful friendships should be a priority in college. But being comfortable with being alone ensures you will find your people out of choice rather than necessity. And it is never the end of the world if you have to miss a group hangout because you want to spend some time alone, and your friends should respect that. Be clear about when you want to spend time with others and when you want to spend time with yourself, and each method of hanging out will only benefit the other.
Ethan Ravi PO ’29 is bumbling through his midterms. If you ever see him scrolling in the dining hall, tell him to lower the stimulation and get back to work.