In the cozy living room of Fély Catan — Pitzer faculty-in-residence and professor of modern languages, literatures and cultures — students and faculty gathered to discuss love, in all its beautiful complexity.
This past Thursday, Feb. 12, Catan, in conjunction with the Office of Black Student Affairs (OBSA), hosted the panel, “Black Love,” in celebration of Black History Month.
The conversation that unfolded over the next three hours extended far beyond typical Valentine’s Day sentimentality, focusing on Black love as something intricate, communal and deeply intertwined with identity.
“I was thinking in February we celebrate two things, right: Valentine’s Day, but it’s very important also that we honor Black History Month,” Catan said. “So I just thought about combining these two events to create the title Black Love.”
Student attendees were joined by Pitzer professor Marilyn Grell-Brisk, Scripps professor Westenley Alcenat and the dean and director of the OBSA, Lydia Middleton. Both Catan and students described the importance of having a wide range of intergenerational attendees to bring fresh perspectives to the table.
“I really wanted to have them both with me, because I wanted this conversation to be anti-generational,” Catan said. “And it was great because, depending, of course, on the stage you are in your life, you have [different] attitudes towards love or relationships or friendship or anything.”
Middleton kicked off the discussion by talking about how having her daughter changed her perspective on love. Becoming a parent showed her the importance of seeing love as a celebration of one’s autonomy and individuality.
“When I had her, I realized that she’s allowed to be her own person, she’s allowed to disagree with me, she’s allowed to be angry with me,” Middleton said. “And I’m bringing this back to love because loving her means that I put a lot of my own emotional responses [aside].”
Catan identified with Middleton’s experiences, noting how their similar age and gender give them a similar perspective on self-love. Catan expressed how both felt they had to grow into love, rather than taking it for granted as some college students do now.
“Because we’re women, you know, older than college students present in the room, we have a different experience,” Catan said. “We have the distance looking back, and for us, love now is much more about the love of our community, your family and again, the self-love that we have for ourselves. ”
Middleton’s reflection on motherhood and how one can nurture love gave way to a more pointed critique of romantic dynamics: If self-love is so important, how can it be preserved within relationships and balanced with our love for others?
Many alluded to the fact that this act of preservation comes with being comfortable setting boundaries with your partner. Specifically, Middleton spoke about her experience in heterosexual relationships and how she has struggled to strike a balance between self-preservation and compromise.
“From my experience, men center themselves,” Middleton said. “Straight men [whom] I’ve encountered will center themselves in all scenarios. Navigating that is hard because it’s like, ‘Well, why can’t you care about me as much as you care about yourself? And why is it that you’re centering yourself, and then I’m centering you?’”
Middleton also noted that there were only two men — one student and Alcenat — among 15 attendees. For some, the low turnout was a jarring symbol of men’s lack of engagement in conversations about relationships and emotional availability.
Expanding beyond interpersonal relationships, Alcenat linked the idea of being proud of one’s Blackness to self-love, arguing that a sense of identity is also important in maintaining one’s interpersonal relationships.
“It has been a very contentious moment being Haitian American, and I find that I think it’s also part of what I love about being in my late-30s is I now feel super comfortable in my skin,” Alcenat said.
He brought up how President Trump and Vice President J.D. Vance’s baseless comments in September 2024 that Haitian immigrants were eating their pets had less effect on him, thanks to his sense of pride and love for his own identity. As similar examples of blatant racism are perpetuated, the talk encouraged attendees to continue to hold unwavering love for themselves and their identity.
“It has not phased me that much. Whatever it is, the sense of insecurity or inferiority, of what this is meant to do does not exist,” Alcenat said.
He explained that his view on the importance of self-love was heavily tied to the ideals of the Haitian Revolution in 1791.
Grell-Brisk and several students shared this sentiment, noting that it made them think more about their own definitions of love.
“How we understand and live our lives with that is very radical,” Grell-Brisk said. “Like, how do you actively live that sort of radical love where it isn’t bounded by a particular notion of what Black love is specifically, or interracial love, or whatever it is. To love radically, what does that look like?”
The event finished a full hour overtime, yet the participants still felt there was more left unsaid. From stories of motherhood and partnership to stories of cultural ownership, the deeper conversation revealed that there is no single definition of love.