From crucifixion to medieval torture chambers, history is full of cruel and unusual punishments. That said, I’m pretty sure this article from Nov. 22, 2002 is not a historically accurate account, but rather a contribution to TSL’s annual joke issue, a tradition dating back to 1981.
Castration Now to Prevent Golf Cart Theft
By Clarke Bastard
Illegitimate News Child
Last week, in accordance with a new college policy, two Pomona students were castrated as punishment for stealing a Pomona College golf cart.
Campus Safety apprehended the students, who were turning donuts in the baseball field, and summarily castrated them under martial law.
“We’ve been waiting to do this for quite some time now,” said Campus Safety Officer John Leslie. “Now, you could say that we’ve finally got these kids by the balls.”
The new pro-castration policy was not previously announced to the five-college community. It was, however, long in the works.
“This wasn’t the first time we’ve had vehicle theft problems on campus,” said officer Leslie. “We’ve tried to have the Claremont PD scare these kids straight by pistol whipping them before, but they just don’t learn. We figured permanently confiscating their little ding-a-ling-a-lings just might teach them a lesson.”
In an exclusive interview with The Student Life, the administration lauded the policy change and insinuated that with President Stanley’s impending retirement, corporal punishment would become par for the course. “I hate to say this,” commented Dean Quinley, “but President Stanley was kind of a girly man when it came to discipline. It’s the beginning of a new draconian era.”
The affected students said they were “surprised” by the new campus policy. “I thought they were just going to write me up,” said one of the students. “But when two officers pinned my arms down and another pulled out a bowie knife, I knew I’d been fucking with tbe [sic] wrong guys.”
The “surgical procedure” resulted in only moderate bleeding, which the students say was only partly anesthetized by alcohol. An acetylene torch helped ensure sterility and cauterized the wound.
While some called the measure excessive, Quinley and administration officials claimed that castration was the only way to get the message across that stealing golf carts isn’t always shits and giggles. “At some point in your life, you’ve got to learn there are consequences to your actions,” Quinley said. “You wanna keep your dilznik? Well, we wanna keep our golf carts. It’s that simple.”
As word spread of their eunuch brethren, Pomona students fell into line with the new across the board disciplinary measures. “I used to steal cigarettes from the coop store without batting an eye,” said Pomona freshman Michael Clarke-Pearson. “Smoking’s just not worth four-maybe even five-pleasure-packed years of pleasing the ladies, though.”
While the extent of the castration policy is yet to be determined, the administration declares it is quite content with the results of its first experiments in genital amputation. “Not a single student has stolen a golf cart all week,” Quinley said. Noting that castrations were also under consideration by the faculty of Harvard and Brown. Quinley added, “Pomona’s always been a visionary school in the liberal arts tradition. And when all is said and done, I think [the two students] have really learned something important, something they’re not going to forget.”
Now, a full week after the incident, only one question remains unresolved: the fate of the missing members. “I’ve got no idea,” Quinley said, stroking the head of a sated Jack Russell Terrier and chuckling.
Regarding the previous golf cart theft incident in which two students were incarcerated for several days by the Claremont Police Department, Quinley declared that they’d gotten off easily. “For Christ’s sake, they were just in a holding cell!” she said. “Just wait until we get those two chumps in front of J-Board. They’ll be crying for their mamas then, let me tell you.”